Magic Beans

MBUK - The Line Writer

2007-10-04T19:12:00.000+01:00

Below are a selection of videos from the Magic Beans for your Eyes Collection. For many many more videos head to www.youtube.com/damnmagicbeans

MBUK - The Monkey

2007-10-04T19:01:00.000+01:00

Magic Beans - Bird Flu

2007-10-04T18:44:00.000+01:00

Magic Beans - Invasion

2007-10-04T17:56:00.000+01:00

The All New Caption Competition

2006-09-20T13:07:00.000+01:00

Here it is. This caption competition needs you to fill it's gaping hole. Place your ideas in the comments area and the funniest will win some magic beans...

And for Magic Beans for your eyes check out BBC Comedy Soup for the latest Blair News - clicky here

Steve Irwin: "Make him a Saint, mate"

2006-09-20T12:39:00.000+01:00

Snake teaser and tiger prodder Steve Irwin has been remembered in the biggest memorial service in Australia since Skippy was run down by a truck. Eight million Australians flip flopped onto the streets of Woollabonga to worship at the steel toe capped desert boot of the dead Irwin. Crocodile tears flooded the streets creating "beauitful pools of vomit, beer and tears".

Irwin, who died several weeks ago after punching a defenseless stingray for an hour, has been hailed as a true Australian hero. Some have called for Steve to be made a Saint immediately and have "fired off a note to the Pope fella". The largest statue in the world will be constructed on top of Ayers Rock and will be clearly seen from space. The figure, made from used cans of VB and slaughtered stingrays, will be built by recently deported Muslims from the UK. The statue will feature Irwin strangling an Komodo Dragon.

Many Aussies are sure that Princess Irwin's death was a conspiracy and believed he may have been pregnant at the time with the Angel Gabriel's child. Religious leader in Australia, Russell Crowe, spoke at the memorial serv"ice at The Irwin Theme Park "I will not stop crying, drinking and fighting until Steve's death is avenged. I will have my vengance. I know you pommes did it!" Prime Minister John "Frankie" Howard spoke to the assembled crowds of sobbing mourners. "We will rise again. We have lost a truly wondrous figurehead, a visionary, an Olympian ideal and we have lost Steve Irwin - a scruffy sideshow buffoon. Let us pray."

In other news effigies of Germaine Greer are outselling effigies of the Pope in "Burn Your Own Effigy" shops in Muslim countries.

John Reid Says "Shop Your Kids, Muslims"

2006-09-20T12:20:00.000+01:00

Home Secretary John "Dr John" Reid has called on Muslim parents to shop their children if they so much as open "the Koran or a rucksack". His speech at a mosque in the East End was met with widespread "support" followed by heckling and throwing bits of old veg at the former bare knuckle boxer's head.

Reid said he needed help from British Muslims in help catch extremists as MI5 were too busy to help out because the new series of Spooks had started on BBC1. "We can't be expected to catch terrorists and imprison "browns" for indefinite periods without the help of those who feed and cloth the little terrors" said Reid as he ran from the area flanked by Stormtroopers.

This speech follows a leaked report suggesting the Government were planning on rounding up all Muslims and sending them to Australia. The document stated "We have Polish and Lithuanians now. They are much better immigrants and the women look fantastic." Large boats have been built near Dover that will transport the hordes to work in surf shops and help build the Steve Irwin Memorial Statue.

Last week Police were cleared of shooting the Brazilian and Pakistani Prime Ministers at a recent summit in Stockwell. "It was a fucking accident alright?" said Major Carnage of the Shoot First, And Shoot Again before pushing Magic Beans News down "some stairs".

Thai Coup: Glitter Takes Power

2006-09-20T11:50:00.000+01:00

The sudden Thai coup in Thailand has ended with the crowning of Gary "Glitter" Glitter as Prime Minister of the country, Thailand. The bloodless coup was started by Gary and his fellow army buddies including Jonathon "The Man Who Would Be" King.

Glitter's army or Gang was lead by a barrage of ping pong balls fired by the "crack" Patpong Girl Brigade. This attack was followed by squadrons of screaming lady boys who witnesses remarked, didn't know whether they were coming or going. Whilst the current PM was in New York on a shopping trip, Glitter took the opportunity to take over the Thai television channels. The country is now being subjected to 24 hour Glitter music video and the entire series of Entertainment USA.

In an address to the Thai people Glitter told them to "not worry". "If you wanna be in my gang, you can. If you're 12." His first ministerial move was to take back Phi Phi Island from known peadophile Scaramanga, the so called "Man With the Golden Son". It will become the Paul Gadd School of Excellence in Pole Dancing or PGSOEIPD for short.

The ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Sinatra has decided to stay in New York and open a Thai Restaurant based on the Rat Pack. Sinatra's will serve Yummi Davies Junior Curry, Dean Ma Tom Soup and the cream of Som Yog Gui.

Models: Fatten Up or Else!

2006-09-20T11:34:00.000+01:00

London Fashion Week has begun amid cries for skinny models to be burnt to the ground unless they eat a Melton Mowbray pie and some Wheat Crunchies. Big boned and "chunky" models were being shipped into South Kensington by the truck load to meet the new demand for fuller figure beauties.

Fashion Week, now sponspered by Ginsters, started with the new collection of elasticated sweat pants and "momos" from designer Kenny Swish. Kenny told Magic Beans "I think it's fabulous that we have bloaters on the cat walk. They always have such good senses of humour and bubbly personalties. Obviously they make my clothes look like shi-" The cat walk has since been restrengthened and renamed the Cake Walk.

Experts were however disappointed with the purge on beautiful,perfect specimuns of the female form. "This is the largest collection of bones ever on display at the Natural History Museum. We are very excited" said Professor Lowri Turner.

Spokesperson for the stick models, coke hoover Kate Moss, agreed. "I agree" said Moss in an exclusive interview. Kate was later accidently snorted by super model Lisa Riley backstage at the John Smith's summer collection show.

World's Oldest Man / Tory Mess

2006-09-20T11:07:00.000+01:00

The World's Oldest Man, Sir Ming "Menzies" Campbell, has gone on display in the yearly freak show in the seaside town of Brighton. Ming, who is believed to be 127, is a full twenty years older than Joan Collins - currently Britain's Oldest Actress. Campbell is also the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party - a shady underground movement whose numbers include gays, drunks and shit eaters.

The show saw the welcome return of Charles "Deano" Kennedy and his "drunk" vaudeville act. His performance went down a storm and Kennedy expects to start a tour of breweries and distilleries in the near future. "I'm backh. Yous don't knows me. Did yous spill my pint?" said Chuck to Magic Beans News correspondant before "glassing" BBC's Andrew Marr.

In other Party news the Conservatives have launched their new logo. The former logo, Margaret Thatcher riding in a chariot pulled by miners and milk hungry children, has been replaced by a green crayon "squiggle". The logo, entitled "Pissing up the wrong tree", cost £800 billion and was designed by 1000 monkeys and Keith Turvey, aged 7.

David "Diddy" Cameron told Magic Beans at a skate park he hangs out at in Notting Hill "It's wicked! I think it's rad. It represents our commitment to trees and all root vegetables. That doesn't include Lord Tebbitt. Now watch the olly dude!" Others believe the scribble represents a desperate attempt to sweep up tree huggers left hugless from the recent Lib Dem shenanigans.

Mark Oaten commented "Never speak with your mouthful".

Magic Beans in your Mince Pies

2006-07-17T12:54:00.000+01:00

Check out the latest Magic Beans news on BBC Comedy Soup Website

John Prescott Exlcusive - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12965853

Wembley Stadium Update - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12489933

The Water Crisis Continues - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11925911

The latest bird flu news - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745542

US Invade Clitheroe - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745308

Or head to YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/user/damnmagicbeans and check them all out

Magic Beans For Your Eyes

2006-05-19T14:52:00.000+01:00

Magic Beans News has been resting over the last few weeks after a very serious bout of "Icouldntbebothereditis" and a much publicised affair with John "Two Shags" Prescott. Magic Beans will return in the coming weeks.

Meanwhile Magic Beans can be ingested visually at the new BBC Comedy Soup Website where Magic Beans News is currently Pick of The Week. There will be a new report every week.

http://bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/

Caption Competition - Normal Service Resumes Next Week

2006-04-07T14:05:00.000+01:00

This week a short and sharp special report. Normal service will resume next Friday with a special crucifixion pull out. In the meantime here is a new caption competition. Put your ideas in the comments section and the winner will get Avian flu....

Special Bird Flu Report

2006-04-07T13:40:00.000+01:00

Bird Flu has arrived on mainland Britain sending news reporters, pundits and experts into a frenzied panic. A swan was found dead in Fife earlier this week which was later to found to be riddled with flu and bad AIDS. A million mile exclusion zone has been put in place around Fife with only news crews and Bill Oddie allowed into the area.

At a press conference with the world's press the press said "This is the best thing that has happened to us. Our graphic artists have been waiting weeks to show how these killer swans will rape our babies. This is a great day for worry mongererers all over Fleet Street." ITV9 have offered the family of the dead swan an undisclosed amount for an interview with Lord Trevor McDonalds and Davina is expected in the area in the next few hours.

The government has told the public to remain calm but get as frightened as possible and keep vigilant for large birds with beards and rucksacks. Sir Ian Blair has despatched a "hit squad" to the area to take out "anything that fucking moves". A government spokesman told Beans "There is no concern to the general Joe Six Tooth. Despite this we have some window lickers building a wall along the English border to stop the birds getting in." Other plans outlined included detaching Scotland from the mainland and pushing it into North Sea. He added "Scotland is gone. There's nothing we can do for the poor drunk bastards. It's best we get rid and move on."

The Scottish have become increasingly angry and irritable in the last few days because they are unable to have a calming cigarette. "Fucking hell" said a Scottish "I canna stands it no more. All I fucking want is a fag and a chicken burger. My life is shite now." All Scots on the streets of London have been rounded up and sent back with a sack of booze to ease the bird flu. Reports also reach us that the government will use the now defunct Wembley Stadium as a burial ground for diseased and dead bodies of those stupid enough to eat a McNugget.

Mayor of Fife Jock "Wee" McTavish told Magic Beans in a word exclusive "No fucking problem. I've personally caught a few things of some dodgy birds from Fife in my time so I'm taking this in my stride. I'll just have a quick smoke. Oh shit!"

Gene Pitney is survived by a wife and 400 swans.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-03-31T11:35:00.000+01:00

Here it is. This caption competition needs you to fill it's gaping hole. Place your ideas in the comments area and the funniest will win some magic beans...

Condi "Invasion of Blackburn Imminent"

2006-03-31T11:13:00.000+01:00

US Secretary of State Condoleezza "Boil in a Bag" Rice has touched down in the Northern town of Blackburn as she tours the area with a view to a possible invasion. The area has a high percentage of Muslim "types" and the Bush administration have become increasingly concerned with their development of nuclear weapons and anti American thoughts.

Foreign Secretary Jack Straw is showing Condi some the local sights before they move to Liverpool and meet with Scouse Special Forces who will lead the bombardment of the Lancashire town. Jack and Condi will visit a traditional local pub "The Suicide Bombers Arms" as well as indulge in some traditional Northern pursuits such as a whippet riding, coal eating and fighting in skips with cloth caps on. They will dine tonight in Liverpool where the menu will include double chips, double beans, double bubble with a side order of "great sense of humour" - which is apparently a Scouse staple.

Condoleeszzzza told Magic Beans political correspondant Hugh Jarce-Holl "I love it here in Scotland. But business is business and George, Dick and me won't sit idly by when there is something we can blow up or destroy. Now watch this skive." Many believe the invasion of Blackburn is a cover for the US's continued hunt for oil. Town Mayor Kenny Swish told Beans "There's no fucking oil here you daft bitch. We only have 4000 holes. That's it. You can't take them away George you pillock". Mr Swish has since been sent indefinitely to Camp X Ray.

The invasion is expected to start as soon as the US has finished with Iran, North Korea and The Principality of Liechtenstein which has been developing weapons of mass tax evasion for some years. Ian Mcshane, a son of Blackburn, was unavailable for comment - he was peddling dodgy antique cabinets whilst solving a murder.

Campbell Hits The Catwalk

2006-03-31T10:54:00.000+01:00

Supermodel and mardy cow Naomi Campbell has been arrested for assaulting a woman at her home in New York. The victim is clinging to her life and a possibly huge out of court payout at a nearby Hospital/Television Studio. Campbell, who has killed several people before "cos I can", has been placed in a maximum security hotel suite in Federal Pententionary Waldorf Astoria until her trial. If convicted she will face seven years in a real prison and almost certainly a book deal or a chat show.

Clothes horse Campbell is known for her temper and once threw a hissy fit out of a hotel window. Hissy fits are an endangered species and their fur is only worn by supermodels and gay make up designers. She has had a long documented problem with drugs and many believe her love of the catwalk was drawn from a love of long white lines. Many still remember the Milan show where she snorted a gigantic line of sequins, foundation and "fabulous" frocks whilst modelling for British designer Steve McQueen.

Kenny Swish, a top eyebrow plucker who wishes to remain anonymous, told Beans News "She's a nightmare. She once stabbed me in the neck with a machete because I looked at her funny. I mean if I looked at her fanny I would understand. But she's got great skin so, you go girl!"

In other Supermodel news Kate "Coke Dyson" Moss has apparently reunited with Pete "Horse Hoover" Doherty and plan to have children as soon as science will allow. "I'd love a kid" said Doherty at his daily court appearance and publicity stunt, "I'd teach him to shoot up, Kate can show him how to inject between the toes, he go out and buy my drugs while I watch Loose Women. It'll be magic." The UN and NATO have immediately passed a motion to "never let this fucking happen".

No One Notices Strike

2006-03-31T10:25:00.000+01:00

A nationwide Public Services strike this week went entirely unnoticed as services have become so bad no one can tell the difference. Train delays, tube cancellations, long delays on Council help lines and missed rubbish collections are all the norm and on Tuesday services actually improved by a small percentage despite nearly 400,000 people choosing to stay in and watch Jeremy Kyle.

The strike is expected to be the first of many and are in protest against government pension plans which include all "poor people" to work and pay taxes until they are at least 112 years old as well as making all council workers wear electronic tags around their necks for no apparent reason. Labour Peer Lord Faultenroy of Scunthorpe told Beans "Lazy buggers. Get them working. Working bloody hard too. The problem with poor people is when they're not grafting, they're robbing or raping or racing giant whippets. I think I speak for the entire Labour movement when I say this will not happen on my watch."

This was the biggest stoppage since the General Strike of 1926 when a "shitload" of Northerners stopped work to watch the very first episode of the new Davina chatshow. Several thousand people died with many choosing to blind themselves. It also echoes the Jarrow March when a "truckload" of Geordies came down to London for a "big weekend in the Smoke". Several hundred died during this visit too but all regard those who marched as "good lads" in YSL shirts who like a drink, a little dance and a little fight.

Davina McCall was unavailable for comment due to a large axe hanging over her.

Paris Burns Again

2006-03-31T10:13:00.000+01:00

Celebrity heiress and porn star Paris Hilton has suffered her a fresh bout of rioting amid claims that law and order around her "trust fund" had collapsed.Gangs of photographers and journalists have been laying seige to Paris since it emerged that a new series of The Simple Life had been commissioned. Youths turned over several Louis Vuitton handbags and a small smelly Shitzu was put through her "letter box".

Several hundred thongs have been burnt in "downtown" Paris.Interior Minsister Henri Le Coque told Magic Beans "The situation inside Paris has reached gigantic proportions. We will be sending in some of our best men to sort her out. These men will of course immediately surrender to her and wait for ze English to help us out. Now watch this garlic." Over a million people marched peacefully through Paris until it became clear that Nicole Richie was indeed going to appear and violence erupted. "Fabulous" tear gas and bottles of "Anorexic" by Lindsay Lohan were deployed to disperse protestors.

In other news Magic Beans News has been accused by the Press Complaints Commission of regurgitating old stories "cos they can't be bothered". Magic Beans would like to refute these claims. Next up - how about that Gulf War...

Paris' sister Croydon Hilton was unavailable for comment due to an ongoing refurb.

Smokers Put Out in Scotland

2006-03-31T09:29:00.000+01:00

A smoking ban came into force in Scotland this week leading to a huge increase in sales of chewing tobacco and super extra strength lager. Many Scottish smokers have been spotted crossing the border into England for a quick smoke after a meal of deep fried pigs cock. English border guards have now been introduced - all of whom will be "puffing big cigars" in order to "get on the tits of the Jocks".

The ban is seen as a test of future plans to put out fags in England next year and many fear it will lead to scenes of street violence and fresh clean air. Pro Smoking coughsperson Sir Benson Hedges told Beans "It's a fucking disgrace. I demand the right to smoke myself silly and take down anyone stupid enough to be standing next to me. It won't last in Scotland - the average savage up there smokes and chews nearly 8000 cigarettes without tips a day." Sir Benson died an hour later of emphysema and his ashes were placed in a glass tray.

Scottish smokers have attacked the house of the two non smokers who live in Scotland and protests have spread across the land - the most recent a rape and murder in Balamory. The government now plan to construct the world's biggest nicotine patch, fly it over Scotland and hope for a "nicotine rain" shower. Scottish person "Big" Jock McFuck told Magic Beans "Ya se mee. Yo fockin Inglish bastads fink yo kan come upp heer an rule v way we live. I'l kill ya. Kill ya all." The comedy stereotype complaints commission have been informed of our findings.

Roy Castle, near Inverness, is open Monday to Saturday. Smokers get in free.

This Week's Caption Competiton

2006-03-24T08:04:00.000Z

Check this out. Place your captions in the comment area and the very funniest will recieve several very special magic beans...

Kember Release Ends in Bloodshed

2006-03-24T07:31:00.000Z

Do gooder Norman Kember was sensationally freed from captivity yesterday after four months of badly shot videos and bad food. In a secret Special Forces operation involving several hundred troops, a tank and 40 helicopters the soldiers discovered the hostages were totally unguarded and tied up with "old rope".

Former hostage and part time Brian Blessed lookalike Sir Terry Waite was full of praise for Kember. "This is the good time now. Book deals, on the sofa with Richard and Judy and more importantly the pussy will be dripping all over him. I'm not joking. Women love a freed hostage. Ask Nelson. That dude is a magnet. "

Hollywood executives have already arrived in Northern Baghdad to offer Kember a lucrative movie deal. Tex Muldoon of ParaTroop Pictures told Beans News "This shit plays well with your average Joe Six Tooth back home. Boy flies to Iraq to kill Saddam Hussein. Boy meets girl. Girl meets other girl. Boy watches on. Saddam gets blown to bits. Boy eats rat to survive whilst pissing his pants and trussed up. Oscars all round. Now watch this drive!" George Clooney has signed onto play Norman Kember and Andy Serkis will reprise his King King CGI work to play Hussein.

Kember spoke at the press conference from the Baghdad Travelodge "First let me say the cramped conditions, terrible food and abusive treatment... here at the hotel have made the transition better than can be expected. Secondly I would like to reinforce my distaste for the invasion of Iraq and our continued occupation here in this peace loving country". Later Kember was beaten to death by the boys from 43 Para. His body was thrown in a wheelie bin. Which was burnt.

Brown Finally Reaches Number 10 With Budget

2006-03-24T06:00:00.000Z

The Chancellor Gordon Brown delivered his 1oth Budget to a packed crowd of Brown nosers and Blair baiters. This years budget was all about the three E's - Education, Environment and Everything Else. Major education funding will enable all school children to have 24 hour access to laptops and chatrooms as well as video phones for which "to slap happy or whatever it's called".

Other increases included a penny on a pint (or 50 pence if you drink in London) and a huge increase in taxes on fags as well as nicotine patches. Controversially Brown froze the price of champagne and caviar in response to pressure from the "Notting Hill Lobby". Barry Northern of the General Hard Graft and Proper Job Look At Your Hands You Soft Bastard Union or GHGPJLAYHYSBU told Magic Beans "This is a fucking disgrace. We have asked Labour to reduce taxes on pies, fighting and lung cancer but did that fat Jock listen? Did he fuck as like. I hope he chokes on his Krug Clos Du Mesnil 95."

The Notting Hill Lobby subsequently attacked Brown for increasing taxes on "Chelsea tractors" owned predominantly by blond women who "do brunch". "How will I get my poor child, Chylmidia, the 40 yards to her Montidon nursery?" said Tamara Palmer Tamarason from her 39 yard Sherman 4x4. "Brown has let down all of his true socialist followers with this tax on my right to guzzle gas and have mochas with the girls."

The Olympics were a strong theme with Brown announcing plans to fund research into a "super race" of children to compete and win at the 2012 Games. Named "Project HalfaChance" Brown was keen "that we win at least one fucking medal that isn't dressage". Ubergruppenfurher Ken Livingstone will be placed in charge of the "training camps".

Labour Shylocks Revealed

2006-03-24T04:30:00.000Z

The Labour Loan Scandal continues to send ripples of disgust and disinterest throughout the political world as the 12 major donators were revealed. The "dirty dozen" includes several Premier League footballers who like a flutter, Michael Carroll the "Lotto Lout" and the "dudes who stole all that money from Securitas in Kent".

A very expensive sub committee has been created to investigate the loans which total some £800 billion. The committee investigation will be led by former West Midlands Police chief and awning spokesperson John Stalker and is expected to cost £750 billion - the cost of which will be covered by new loans from the 12 "apostles". Stalker told Magic Beans from his gorgeously appointed conservatory "I'm fucking up for this big time. Me and Lord Drummer, my trusty Labrador, will not rest until we find out who did this. And if we can't we will fit up some Paddies."

The Loan Crisis started when the South London gangsters who nicked £53 million from a depot in Kent were made Labour Peers and had passed a bill in the Lords to "let them off" "scott free". Lord Billy Hardon, from Eltham, was arrested outside the House of Lords after driving a quad bike through the Lord Rik Mayall Memorial Hall. "Fuck it. Tony needed a few quid to cover up the Humphrey the Cat murder and I threw him a bundle. So shoot me." Lord Hardon was shot last night in Old Palace Yard.

The scandal has forced Labour and the other political parties to look at other sources of funding. Gordon Brown launched a new Scratchcard and a Comic Relief style telethon to fund the party whilst the Tories are to move into arms dealing and "borrowing money from mother". The Lib Dems will continue to be financed solely by gay chatlines.

Wembley Stadium Collapses

2006-03-24T02:30:00.000Z

The much maligned Wembley Stadium collapsed this week killing the entire 1966 England and German World Cup Teams and 1000 Australian builders. The construction team behind the project - MultiFux - have decided to leave the disaster zone and "forget all about it". The site will now become a place for gypo kids to play and accidents to happen.

The stadium fell apart whilst the "66" players were having a kick about with some drunken Aussie welders on the roof of the £800 billion complex. The Charlton brothers had previously made a comment about Franz Beckenbauer and his one testicle and a fight erupted. The rocking loosened some nuts and the roof crumbled. The cries of the players and the incoherent moans of the welders were heard underneath the rubble but were ignored "for insurance reasons".

The stadium has been beset by problems. Workers have been discovered as high as a drugged up kite, a large Romanian crap blocked the whole sewage system for over a month and the iconic arch was found to have been made of match sticks. The exorbitant cost was caused by huge "tea runs" costing millions and general laziness costing billions.

"They think it's all over. Well it fucking is now" said Sir Kenneth Dodgepot, Chairman of MultiFux. "Wembley has been a shithouse from day one. So this comes at the right time. I wash my hands of this poxy dump and the many lives lost today. You wouldn't get 20 quid for that scrap now." MultiFux are now moving to East London to "fuck up" the Olympic Village "in time" for the 2012 Games.

Number 10 Cat Murdered

2006-03-24T02:25:00.000Z

Humphrey, the so called Number 10 pussy, has been found murdered in his apartment in Mayfair. He was 35 years old and had been seeing a Brazilain diplomat called Juan for several years. Details are sketchy but it is believed Humphrey had been involved in a "despicable sex act" moments before his death.

Sir Humphrey had been permanent under secretary in Downing Street since the late 80's when he wandered in from the street and entered the Thatcher residence. At the time Lord Margaret Thatcher was planning to make a coat out of dalmations and cats but "soak" Dennis Thatcher saved the moggy and he soon became an advisor to John Major. He is widely believed to have advised Major very badly, with the "Tuna Treats Bill" a turning point, and it came as no surprise when he was appointed Tony Blair's chief spindoctor in 1997.

He was instrumental in planning the invasion of Iraq and had personally flown to Baghdad to sniff out Weapons of Mass Destruction. He failed (he claimed he was "on heat") and on his return he was shunned by Number 10. Not long after he came out of the closet and started a relationship with Lord Kevin Spacey and later Juan. Juan told Magic Beans "This is a terrible day for me. Humph was a great politician, a terrific man and an animal in the sack. I shall not rest until he is avenged or his diaries are serialised in The Times".

Police are treating the murder as suspicious and have questioned Cherie Blair, Sir Ian Blair and Gordon Brown over their whereabouts at the weekend. Garfield was unavailable for comment. He was too busy eating lasagne.

Wearside Jack Plans Pop Career

2006-03-24T01:06:00.000Z

The Yorkshire Ripper impersonater John Humble, known on the Northern club scene as Wearside Jack, has been convicted of releasing some dodgy mixtapes back in the late 70's. Despite that he plans to pursue his pop career and hopes to perform a duet with fellow Geordie crooner Sir Jimmy Nail.

At the time of the Ripper Murders John was hired as a Sutcliffe impersonater for weddings, birthdays and school fetes. "I made a good few quid with it" said Humble, via tape to Magic Beans, "But I never got the recognition. I wanted to be known in my own right as a cold blooded killer but it was always Peter this, Sutcliffe that". Humble's identity had been a secret for several decades but decided to reveal himself after losing loads of money in a Nigerian email scam.

The man responsible for the Crazy Frog ringtone, currently on Death Row, is keen to get hold of Wearside Jack for a series of ringtones and a possible single. Annoyin Coc said "Every kid in this fucking country will want a Wearside Jack tone when I'm finished with them. I think he has the power to shit on that frog." Coc is scheduled for lethal injection as soon as possible.

Channel 4 confirmed to Magic Beans News that they had offered John Humble the job of narrating Big Brother after the other Geordie got "pissed off with it all" and shot himself.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-03-17T12:30:00.000Z

Fill my box with puns. Place your captions in the comments area and the funniest will win some very special magic beans...

Clinical Trials "Huge Success"

2006-03-17T12:15:00.000Z

Clinical trials will now only be carried out on immigrants, gypos and disgraced glam rock singers after a recent trial went horribly wrong. Several young men are still in a critical condition after testing a new drug whose side effects included swollen body parts and powerful orgasms. Many are heralding the drug - known only as Goliath - as the new Viagra and many clubbers are already "knocking them back".

One testee told Beans "I loved it. My knob increased by three times it's size. The nurse told me it was just a little prick. I had the largest head I've ever had. I love Goliath - it makes me feel like a big man." The testee subsequently exploded "with pleasure" not "pressure" as some reports claimed. The drug company - Hypoglobalmegatronic Industries - hope that despite the odd mishap the drug can continuing testing on beagles and hobos. A spokesman told Magic Beans "No one cares when a beagle has a puff on a Benson or a monkey has mascara applied - it's funny. Monkey's are funny."

The government immediately put a stop to Australian travellers partaking in trials. "They should be behind bars or talking loudly on night buses" said Lord Mengele of the government research lab. Instead newly arrived immigrants will be shipped to the drug companies and pumped full of Bird Flu antidotes and cheap "booze" before being made to wander around shopping centres in Hi Tech trainers.

"Coke Dyson" Kate Moss and singer Tommy Doherty were the first to try the new "designer" drug Goliath. "It's fucking great" said Moss. "The giganticism has brought me up to a size 4." Doherty was unavailble for comment due to death by "publicity" overdose.

Labour Loans Crisis

2006-03-17T11:17:00.000Z

Lord Toni Blair and the Labour Party have confirmed that future loans to the Party will be "transparant" after several people bought Labour peerages with loose change collected in a pint glass in a Whitehall boozer. Lord Bin Laden spoke out last night against the plans.

A government insider told Beans that Labour had become so desperate for cash that they had begun borrowing money from Conservative MP's and subsequently making them Labour Peers. "Fuck it. Why can't we have a bit of sleaze? Why should it be the arse bandits in the Lib Dems and the orange biters in the Tories who have all the fun?" said Lady Tessa Jowell speaking at the inaugration of King Jack Straw II. Lady Jowell recently dumped her husband Baron Hardon after "the heat got too much."

Lord Berlusconi offered his support to Viscount Blair and proffered several thousand quid in an envelope as a sweetener. Lord Archer voiced his concern at this flagrant abuse of power and brown envelope stuffing "It's like the storyline of my new novel - Lordin' It - which is out on Monday. Now watch this lie." Those repaying hefty student loans will be giving peerages instead of proper jobs when they graduate from their Media Studies courses.

From now on all "lenders" will have to register their interest with Lord and Lady Ineda Quike-Bung who will make sure only those people who deserve it will recieve peerages. Lord Slobodan Milosevic will be buried on Monday at a full State funeral.

Hamza Refuses To Pick Up Knife and Hook

2006-03-16T22:46:00.000Z

Chef and hardman Gordon Ramsey has been sent into maximum security prison Belmarsh after Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza complained about the shocking standard of food and drink in the Two Michelin Tyre "Bel de Marsh Restaurant".

Ramsey told Beans "Fuck it. I'm going in there and fucking that kitchen up. That fucker with the dodgy eye wants quality nosh and he fucking deserves it. I can do him a lovely pork kebab on his bloody hook. With some fucking tarragon." Hamza has also complained about the broadband speed in the cells and the indignity of only one Korby trouser press per floor. "2.2 Mbps! You wouldn't let a dog live in these conditions" said Hamza via webcam.

Fat tongued cook Jamie Oliver has been campaigning for months to improve the quality of dinners in the maximum security prisons around the world including the much discussed Camp X Ray Resort in Cuba. "I thwink it's a disgrace that these guys are being fed Turkey Twizzlers and processed peas. How can they concentrate on signing confessions when their energy levels are so low?"

Hamza, who is serving seven years for inciting murder and racial hatred, is expected to out in two years when he can return to preaching hate and working on his burgeoning modelling career. Burberry have confirmed that they would like him back despite the drug revelations.

Bush Bombs His Way to the Top

2006-03-16T22:18:00.000Z

President George W Bush has ordered the carpet bombing of the outskirts of Baghdad in a desperate attempt to capture Vice President Dick "Bin" Cheney and make the "American public like him more". Bush has increased the level of firepower and destruction in direct relation to his staggeringly low approval rating in the US.

Operation "Samarra, Samarra. They'll love me Tomarra" started on Thursday when 50 aircraft and several thousand troops pounded the "shi 'ite" out of the town. Cheney has been on the run since he shot a lawyer and his family dead in the woods and became an insurgent in the hills of Samarra.

"The outlook is very Sunni. We will flush Mr Cheney out from where he hides and we will elevate the President's rating if we have to kill every goddamn Iraqi in this land" said General Major Carnnage of the Chuck Norris Delta Force. This follows research from the Laboratoire Garnier revealing the bigger the explosion on the news, the less likely the American public (or Average Joe Six Tooth as he is known to marketing types) are to ask questions.

This week President Toni Blair announced that 800 troops would be leaving Iraq. Defence Minister Peter Reid told Beans "These withdrawals reflect the increased capability of the Iraqi Army to govern and control on their own." This week 7000 people died in car bombings, riots and general "fucking" chaos. The Iraqis will be given real guns in the coming months.

Saddam Hussein is survived by two sons and forty four wives.

The Pope Hits The Road

2006-03-16T21:47:00.000Z

The Pontiff, or the artist formerly known as Pope, has announced plans for a major UK tour this September which the Vatican hope will coincide with the Spice Girls Reunion Tour and the bad press created by The Da Vinci Code. He is expected to be supported on the 40 date tour by hard hitting rapper Bishop Cormac Murphy-O'Connor (The Mad Mick).

Benny X wants to perform at the newly "completed" Wembley Stadium and has been asking the Catholic Church to pray "bloody hard" for the Stadium to finish in time. The stadium is believed to be the only venue large enough to accommodate the huge floor show, dancers and pyrotechnics display usually associated with a Sunday Mass. Plans to spray the Communion wine onto revellers have yet to be confirmed. Benny X told Beans "I really want to tour this album - One True Faith - and see how it plays in an area like Wembley"

Magic Beans was given a copy of the Pope's Rider for the tour by a Vatican insider. Unsurprisingly he likes to bathe in Holy Water and eat only diamond encrusted M & M's but Beans can also reveal Benny X and The Saint Posse like to have all water turned into wine and "enough weed to knock out a horse". The previous Vatican Tour of the UK (The Kiss My Faith Tour) back in the early 80's was marred by the murder of a Monsignor by a Hells Angels gang.

A rival tour by super group Mohammed is unexpected to take place this year after the cartoon led band created by Damon Albarn was burnt to the ground.

ID Card Fraud a Step Closer

2006-03-16T21:24:00.000Z

The House of Lords have voted for the introduction of ID cards and the vote will now return to the Commons with pundits expecting the Commons to vote for it too and then send it back to The Lords. Pundits also expect this gravy train to continue for some time.

The new cards, which will contain every single detail about your hygiene problems, your favourite Girls Aloud member and your DNA, will be totally voluntary. However, those who do not sign up will not be able to leave the country and will probably be "fitted up" with a bombing or something and will certainly not be able to take a mini break to Bruges. The government have urged all those who wish to continue to sample a "continental" breakfast and a beer in a wine glass should abandon their civil liberties and "get a fucking card".

The news comes in the light of increased fears over card fraud. Minister for Draconian Measures Colonel Kurtz told Beans News "It is a problem. People may have to have chips and pins installed in their eye holes to make sure your card can't be cloned. We have approached Lord Harry Ramsden." ID cloning could herald the beginning of a country full of ashen faced drones who question nothing and pay their taxes. The government plan to rush the cards in before the next election and hope to spend £800 billion deciding the colour of the card.

Number 10 have increased the threat level to Puce - the highest security level since Davina's chat show began.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-03-10T10:58:00.000Z

"There's nothing wrong with Chernobyl Beach" says Russian Minister as rats wash up on sand

Brazilian State Visit Ends in Slaughter

2006-03-10T10:14:00.000Z

The Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva has been shot dead by police whilst he made a State Visit to the UK. Da Silva had been tracked for several days as he visited the Queen at Buckingham Palace and sambaed with President Toni Blair. Suspicions were aroused when he approached 10 Downing Street in a hooded top and police opened fire.

Inspector Itchy Trigger of the Met's "Shoot First and Ask Questions Never" Department told Magic Beans "Fuck it. I saw the dazzling ball skills, vibrant colours and olive skin and I gave orders to let rip." Da Silva's bodyguards, who were all dressed in giant head costumes, sparkling bras and tiny thongs, were too late to save the President.

The State Visit had been a huge success up to this "tragic accident". The Brazilian contingent had been partying all day and all night and trade talks were quoted as "hot, with a strong chance of passion". Brazilian Cultural Attache Jean Charles de Menezes told Beans News "Music and passion are always in fashion, at the Copa. Copacabana." President Da Silva's body will be flown back to Rio where a week long party is planned.

Toni Blair was said to be shocked and stunned. "I'm shocked and stunned. But I will never apologise for this error. Never. God told me not to. He's the only person I answer to." He added that Cherie would have a Brazilian "done" in remembrance of the late President.

Baa Baa Ethnic Minority Sheep

2006-03-10T10:08:00.000Z

Children's Nursery Rhymes have come under attack from the PC Police amid claims of racism and bigotry. Baa Baa Black Sheep will now have to be called "Rainbow Sheep" or Baa Baa Of African Descent Sheep. All black sheep will now be rebranded or slaughtered at the Clarice Starling Processing Unit in Cleethorpes.

Professor Richard Littlejohn, who under new rules will be renamed Dick Tinycock, spoke to Magic Beans from the ivory tower of the Daily Mail "It's a fucking disgrace. These black sheep are always mugging ladies and smashing up shops. I like to call a spade a spade, not a "ground excavation utensil."

Humpty Dumpty will now receive counselling after his "horrific" fall and is expected to file a very expensive compensation claim against the makers of the wall and the emergency services that failed to "put him back together again". He told Magic Beans "I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. One day at a time. I'm looking forward to Easter."

Riots have been reported all over Toytown as nursery rhyme characters protest over the changes. Wee Willy Winkie, now known as Quite Adequate Downstairs Winkie, spoke at a rally in the town square "I think I speak for everyone including Old King Cole and Little Miss Muffet when I say you couldn't make this up. We're going to hell in a handcart." Cole has been renamed Annually Challenged Cole and Little Miss Muffet is now known as Vertically Challenged Ms Muffet.

The Beef Is Back

2006-03-10T09:51:00.000Z

British Beef is been allowed back into Europe after 10 years of persecution and ribbing. Years of tests has revealed that therapy and constant psychological profiling has cured the Mad Cows of the UK. Some have managed to secure new jobs and many can expect trips to the "stun gun room" in the coming weeks.

Professor Selwyn Gummer of The Beef Pattie Institute told Magic Beans "The French threw British Beef into the sea in those dark days and now they will have to swallow their pride and our rump steaks." Professor Gummer was later seen forcing Thai Duck L'Orange on his daughter. "Let's lay off the beef for a bit and let these disease ridden cocks take the strain."

Within six weeks cows will be allowed back into Europe - some have already been issued with InterRail tickets. Spokescow for the British Cow Union Daisy the Cow told Beans "This is a great day for myself and all the herds I represent. We cannot wait to be squeezed onto cramped lorries and shipped over to those garlic guzzling, Gauloise puffing surrender monkeys. Moo."

German Police are preparing for the return of British Beef at this year's World Cup Tournament. "We will not stand for your beef. The stakes are very high for us. The burgers of our beautiful cities are worried. We are elevating our security level to Medium Rare" said Obergruppenfurher Max Carnage. Huge grills and vast quantities of peppercorn sauce have been shipped into Germany ahead of the invasion.

Help Me! Call 5466688376...2

2006-03-10T09:20:00.000Z

The Police have launched new non emergency numbers in a bid to free up the traditional 999 number for text votes and GMTV phone competitions. Crimes will be given specific numbers and call centres in Bombay will provide medical and emeregency advice 22 hours a day.

"If you have spotted someone dropping rubbish we would like you to call 333312, leave your name and bank account details and we'll get back to you within 28 days" said Chief Inspector Horse of the Police Federation. "Equally if you have spotted an Asian type with or without a beard we would prefer you ring 999 and cause crippling panic. It's really the only way forward."

The call centres are prepared for a huge increase in calls. Almost every single person in India now works in a call centre which has led to companies recruiting staff from the UK to answer phones and put you on hold. One very busy company has hired Ganesh to man several phones at once.

This comes in the same week that London Mayor Ken "Fucking London Up" Livingstone plans to have more bobbies on the beat by next year. "The time for police on the street is gone. We want more bobbies." Bobby Davro, Bobby George, Bobby from the Va Va Voom adverts and Sir Bobby Womack are all expected to be enlisted. The scheme is expected to cost £800 billion - the cost of two Olympics and 4 bendy "fucking" buses.

What Do Points Make? Immigrants

2006-03-10T08:54:00.000Z

The Home Office report has revealed a new points system for incoming immigrants which Endemol have expressed an interest in turning the system into a new reality game show. Davina McCall has been approached but not offered the job.

The points system, rehashed from some old National Socialist plans, grades immigrants and awards points and prizes for various criteria. Immigrants with degrees or special skills will be allowed access and accomodation whilst "dunderheads" who can't speak a word of English and look a bit "lairy" will be locked up or given cleaning jobs in hotels and hospitals. Fit birds and blond guys will get extra points, swarthy types will be given Hi-Tech trainers and Campri jackets and forced to wander around shopping centres.

Lord Bruce Forsyth told assembled "contestants" at Lunar House in Croydon "You're so much better than last week's immigrants. Nice to see nice people with skills, to see you nice." The assembled crowd were heard to reply "Nice." Forsyth told Beans afterwards "This is a great show. Drama, dancing, desperate people in need of help and Tess Daly. I just which I wasn't nearly dead".

Lord Forsyth is survived by his wife Sher Khan and 40 Dolly Dealers. "Immigrants! Are you Clean Enough?" starts on ITV9 in April.

Pope has Got a Brand New Bag

2006-03-10T08:26:00.000Z

The Pope Benedict XVI has revealed he owns an iPod in an attempt to drag the Catholic Church into the last century. The Pope, now to be known as Benny X, is often seen kicking around the Vatican listening to tunes and flicking V's at the assembled crowds in St Peter's Square.

The Vatican also revealed that Benny X has a "kick ass" skateboard which he can be found "scuffing marble" in the Sistine Chapel. Benny told Magic Beans from his £400,000 penthouse apartment "Fuck it. I'm the big shit now so I may as well as enjoy it. First thing I did was get a sound system into this dump. Now watch this drive." Asked about the shocking levels of child abuse among Irish priests X told Beans "Whatever man. Live and let live Captain Buzz Killer".

Tunes to be found on his new iPod include Stairway to Heaven, Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter and Let's Talk About Sex (As Long as it ends with a Baby). The Vatican also plans to release the new iPope next year. The slick all white robot carries up to 10,000 guilt trips and will not be popular with gays. The controls are said to be hard to shift and it is expected to be out of date before it goes on sale.

Lady Richard Attenborough has launched his new series in which he travels the world to find out whether the Pope shits in the woods. After 2 years and 40 dead cameraman they found he does.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-03-02T22:56:00.000Z

"Joan Collins should never be allowed to swim in public again"

World's Oldest Man is New Lib Dem Leader

2006-03-02T22:32:00.000Z

The World's Oldest Man Sir Menzies "Minging" Campbell has been appointed the new Liberal Democrat leader after the others were deamed too gay and too boring. Menzies, who is 125 years old, was wheeled into the press conference and told assembled media that this was a great day for "the Lib Dems and very old people".

Campbell revealed plans to relaunch the Liberals as a young virile party that can tackle the increasingly hip and trendy Tories and increasingly shit Labour government. Menzies, who shows everyone his collection of 25 letters from the Queen, dribbled to Magic Beans political reporter Hugh Jarce-Holl "We want to appeal to the kids. Those over 70 who are looking for an new funky party to get with. These youngsters are aimless and need a voice or at least a voice box thingy.''

The Liberals have been in disarray over the last few months after a series of revelations and scandal. Charles "Glass Half Empty" Kennedy resigned after he was exposed as a secret lemonade (and vodka) drinker whilst Mark "Pooh Bear" Oaten had to step down after he was exposed as a secret rentboy stinker. Similarly Simon "Fuck" Hughes got rumbled as a cock mumbler. "Really this couldn't be a better time for the Liberals. Whiskey drinking, whoring and bumming are what the all the kids are up to" said someone.

Ming wants to put an end to all this cool arse banditry and get back to be the unelectable, whale kissing middle of the road party that we all know and love. "I need my sleep now" said Menzies.

George Michael In Club Marijuana

2006-03-02T21:54:00.000Z

A tired and emotional George Michael was discovered at the weekend sitting in his car "out of his box" after smoking a "shitload" of weed. The confused pop star, who was found with his cock out in a public toilet several years ago, claimed to be taking the "herb" to combat his serious bout of Avian Flu.

Michael is the first case of Avian Flu in the UK. Many experts believed that a duck or a cock would be the first to contract the spreading global menace but former Wham singer George is riddled with it. Greek Michael said the pain was intense. "It was intense. The pain." said George. "I started to cluck and quack and then unfortunately my erect penis fell out again. I've been very silly."

The government has immediately revealed very expensive and slightly wasteful plans to round up and burn every 80's pop sensation in a move to stop the Flu spreading. Rick Astley was the first to be culled. Eyewitnesses told Beans News of the terrible smell of burning cheese and hair lacquer.

Sonia and Sinatta are currently on the run and are believed to be hiding with the Kent robbers and Tessa Jowell's accountant Don Tony Corleone. Limahl gave himself up without struggle. He told Magic Beans "I've got nothing to live for anyway. And I have a reality show crew following me too so it'll be good for the show."

Andrew Ridgeley was unavailable for comment but regrettably his cock fell off.

Oscar Fever and Buzz At All Time High

2006-03-02T21:23:00.000Z

Oscar buzz has reached fever pitch as the nominees prepare to sit through 15 hours of arse numbing arse kissing in the Ronald Reagan Community Hall in Los Angeles. A large naked man with a sword was spotted in LA recently but it is believed to have been Bond director Lee Tamahori.

Right wing shit kickers have reacted to the predominantly gay feel to this years awards with Bareback Mounting leading the pack. Good Night and Good Suck, the George Clooney directed tale of gay newsreaders, is nominated for 40 awards whilst the Johnny Cash biopic Mince The Line reveals previously unrevealed gay revelations about the Man in Black and Pink. Many industry figures believe this years pink vibe is a fad. An industry figure told Beans "Next year it'll be blacks or palsy children. Whatever's cool that week."

There have been some fears that the presenter and nominee gift bag has gotten a little out of control. This year Leslie Grantham and Bob Carolgees, both nominated for their work in Spielberg's Munich, can expect to receive 4 Lexi in their bag as well a major African country of their choosing. Also included are 400 Mexican immigrants to work into the ground, beat and eat as well a little plastic monkey that you squeeze and his "willy pops out".

And now a moment to remember those whose careers have died in the last year....

Water, Water and Not a Drop To Waste

2006-03-02T21:00:00.000Z

Despite increased global warming and rapidly rising water levels all over the world, the UK is dangerously low on water and plans are now in operation to ration the "liquid gold" as well as increase the price to nearly £400 per litre.

On hearing the news queues formed at rivers and ponds as desperate members of the public scooped, sucked and siphoned water into buckets and bottles. The River Thames is now entirely empty and dry after huge pipes pulled all the water out to water Alan Titchmarsh's garden. The remains of 8000 dead whales and several rentboys were found on the river bed. The Liberal Democrats have refused to comment.

Norfolk which, according to experts from the Laboratoire Garnier, will be under 20 foot of sea water by next year is now importing water from Africa at a cost of billions. The Lake District has begun piping water from the Sudan in an attempt to retain it's famous Lake District name. In return the Sudanese are able to give every starving child some Kendal Mint Cake.

The USA and the UK have announced emergency plans to open huge power stations which will pipe water from the bottom of the oceans whilst pumping out vast quantities of pollution to maintain drastic water levels. Without water and therefore long luxurous baths with candles and Michael Buble music Britain will become the second smelliest country in the world after France and just in front of Nigeria.

Robbery Latest - Casting Begins

2006-03-02T19:35:00.000Z

The criminals who pulled off last week's record breaking robbery last week in Kent are still at large and police have decided to "let it go". Inspector Mugget told assembled journalists and more journalists "Well, they haven't hurt anyone and we've had a good run so we thought it was best to let them head to Marbella, open up bars and wear bright yellow golf jumpers."

John Stalker, famous for coming on awnings and fitting up paddies, said the gang will be shitting themselves about who will play them in TV dramas or indeed films. "These are testing times. They will be hoping for Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell but it'll more likely be Martin Kemp and Keith Barron. What's that Drummer? I've got to go." Phil Collins has expressed an interest in playing the leader of the gang but no one is listening to him.

Max Clifford is handling the PR for the criminal gang and he hopes to get some Sunday paper exclusives as well as a Hello Magazine spread shot from their farm hideaway. Max told Beans "This is a great opportunity for these guys to make some money. If I can keep the story about one of them sticking a Nokia up a footballer's arse we should be fine. Bugger."

This is the biggest robbery since the BBC produced "Just the Two Of Us" although this crime against television is regarded as significantly more violent and offensive than the events in Tonbridge.

Education Reforms Anoucned

2006-03-02T18:57:00.000Z

Government Education Minister Ruth "Harry Potter" Kelly has announced plans for reforms in the UK's school system. The Brown Streaked Paper, known as "U Do It Urselves", outlines plans for schools to select only the finest Aryan children as well as allow companies and faith groups to set up schools.

McDonalds have immediately unveiled plans for an Academy in leafy Surrey where pupils will learn how to sweep up nuggets and "hock up" the very best gob into a beef pattie and bun. Students will not receive any qualifications (which has long been a McDonalds requirement) but attain gold stars and get to SuperSize their wages and Afros.

Ruth Kelly used the example of her own school Hogwarts to illustrate the potential of the new self rule plans. Hogwarts is sponsored by Virgin Atlantic and trainee wizards are groomed to become heavily made up hostesses and camp "as fuck" stewards. Richard "Pickle" Branson told Beans "It's a great relationship. Everything is branded, including dragons and nympths. All I ask in return is a chance to "get at" Hermoine when she turns 16 in a few months. And I will."

Kelly and President Blair hope this bill will be a defining moment for British education. Labour backbenchers believe it will be another embarassing defeat and a kick up the arse. Average Joe Sixpack doesn't really care.

This Week's Caption Competiton

2006-02-24T12:01:00.000Z

"It's game, net and macaque in the monkey tennis tournament."

Britain Backs World's Biggest Robbery

2006-02-24T11:36:00.000Z

Armed robbers have stolen over 50 million quid from a money depot in Kent and have immediately been entered into the Guiness Book Of Records as the world's biggest heist. The villains are not expected to pick up their award from the Furher Norris McWhirter.

The robbers kidnapped the manager of the depot and threatened to make him watch the entire run of Davina. He opened up the doors with a rusty key straight away and told them to fill their boots. Inspector Max Force told Magic Beans "This is a sickening crime. No man could be expected to last when faced with that torture. I've got a little bit of sick in my mouth right now."

CCTV footage reveals some details of the team. Some believe that developers at the Wembley Stadium may have "pulled the job" to pay off drug dealers who have been maintaining standards on the site. Others assume that well known "cockney lags" Blair and Brown may have "done it" to pay for their much needed private jet. Recently convicted Ken Livingston is also in the frame- he has expensive plans to round up and exterminate all Evening Standard journalists.

It has been revealed that almost all the notes came from areas of London which means that there is nearly 100 million quids worth of cocaine on the money. Many in London's West End hope that the money isn't laundered.

In this news just in - the robbers have all been arrested trying to exchange 50 million quid in used notes for scratch cards in a petrol station 100 yards from the depot. They are now in line to receive the Guiness Record for "stupidest" bastards.

The Secret Diary of Charles III and 3/4s

2006-02-24T11:05:00.000Z

The Prince of Wales' secret diary has revealed he is more like his dad than his mummy. They reveal he didn't like sitting in economy class on a plane and had a distaste for the "slitty eyes" of the Chinese. They also reveal he feels like he is being bullied for his wavy gravy ideas and frequent bark kissing.

Prince Charles, who is now famous for hawking expensive rashers and crisps, believes himself to be a "dissedent", an outsider with more opinions than a dyslexic onion seller. The Prince has been under house arrest at Clarence House for 27 years and has fought against oppression and injustice whilst shooting grouse and drinking champers out of gold goblets smeared in caviar. He apparently prefers Arabic food to Chinese Takeaway which is backed up by his frequent trips, in Business Class, to Saudi Arabia - a country well known for it's human rights.

Charles comes from a family with a history of oppression and persecution - unfortunately for the Prince it has been in the giving rather than the recieving. Despite criticism of Prime Minister Toni Blair and his focus group government Blair told Magic Beans "I don't give a fuck what he says and 86% of the people we asked agreed with me or ticked 'Don't Know'. He should get back to talking to trees and french kissing whales."

Sales of Duchy Rashers plummeted in China as news spread of Charles' feelings towards the largest nation in the world. The Chinese Government has immediately halted production of Charles and Camilla mugs and plates which will render almost all shops in Windsor unable to operate.

Despite everything the Prince of Wales was unavailable for comment.

Wembley Hardly Even Started

2006-02-24T10:30:00.000Z

Wembley Stadium will not be ready for the FA Cup in 2050 after officials revealed that "they've hardly started". Despite costing $800 billion, which is the equivalent of 20 hospitals or one episode of chatshow Davina, there are still no seats, grot burger outlets, concessions to purchase foam hands or walls.

The developers have blamed the workers, the workers have blamed the tools and the tools are mainly in charge. Reports that workers on the site were high as kites were found to be untrue in spite of the huge amount of Mars bars and Pringles being consumed at the stadium. The owners had hoped to give the builders speed rather than weed to get the project finished in time for the Take That concert but it turned out to be a "bad batch".

Labour Sports Minister Flunky Detorri told Magic Beans "There is no problem here. Some say this will make the UK a laughing stock but it's mainly foreigners working on the site so who cares. Now watch this drive." A crack team of Irish builders are being assembled to parachute into the site at a moments notice should the need for tea breaks and dirty arse cracks emerge.

The developers of Wembley, Kenny Foreskin and Son, have been put in charge of constructing the Olympic Stadium and Village in East London. Lord "Dot" Coe subsequently announced that due to problems with the wrong kind of brick the 2012 Olympics will now be known as the 2013 Olympics. Take That will now no longer be able to perform at the opening.

Bush Saves the Environment..For Another Day

2006-02-24T09:47:00.000Z

President George W Bush visited an alternative energy facility in the US this week sparking rumours that the adminstration is keen to pursue new means of power. These "sparking rumours" are said to be one of the main causes of the huge hole in the Ozone layer.

Bush told assembled journalists, whose hot air is also a major pollutant, "This is a great day for the people of Earth and Texas. So help me God I will do nothing in my power to push these new fangled hippy dippy ideas. Now watch this dive." Many "whale kissers" want Bush to develop solar, wind and wave power but it seems that other ideas are being experimented with. "You can't rely on Nature. What if the sun went out or the sea stopped waving? We'd be fucked." environment spokesman Senator Inda Pocket told Magic Beans.

Other ideas include harnessing the friction of leather chaps generated by cowboys on Bareback Mountains, burning French products, boiling civil liberties and digging up the whole of America looking for a drop of oil. "The only sane alternative to Middle Eastern oil is more US oil and we won't stop drilling this Earth until we find some black gold of our own. Then we won't need to invade their asses anymore" said Inda.

In other news Vice President Cheney, who shot dead a family in the woods last week, is still on the run and yesterday a video emerged showing Cheney speaking from a cave. He told the US "Watch your ass America. I shall return. And take my revenge..."

Cheney has eight heart attacks during the making of this video.

Run! Bird Flu is Coming.

2006-02-24T09:29:00.000Z

The threat of Bird Flu is getting closer by the second and experts warn us in bold letters that "WE ARE NEXT". The vile pox has now reached France after bypassing Italy and the Winter Olympics because it was too boring. "This thing is moving faster through Europe than Hitler on a Harley" said respected scientist Lord "Mario" Winston.

The government have been accused of remaining unable to combat this evil disease despite creating a 500 mile net around the coast to trap birds that try to infiltrate our green and pleasant land. The world's largest Lemsip has been poured and is slowly warming in an attempt to ease the flu like symptoms of these terrifying bird-like birds. MI6 has told anyone who'll listen that these invaders can be recognised by their wings, beaks and beards. And backpacks.

This comes in the week that police marksmen shot dead a defenceless duck on the London Underground. "He was just about to sneeze. We had to shoot. We implemented Operation Cheney immediately" said Sergeant Slaughter of the Met's "Questions Later" department. The duck has since been revealed to be clear of flu and was heading to work in the pond at Hyde Park.

Nostradamus, who was a famous seer and is well known as Russell Grant's dad, wrote many years ago of the impending doom. His entry reads "In the year 2006 a large cock with a right wing will destroy the world." President Bush was unavailable for comment.

ID Cards by Tesco - Every Little Detail Helps

2006-02-24T09:06:00.000Z

Plans for the new ID cards are set to be announced in the coming weeks after Tesco were revealed as the new producer of the biometric card. The card, which will contain every detail of your shopping life as well as criminal records, will cost £890 and the cost will be met by the public at the expense of hospitals and finding Lionel Blair's dog.

A spokesperson for the Richard Madeley Tesco Laboratory told Magic Beans that the card would carry important information such as your favourite brand of bog roll and whether you have been a member of a terrorist organisation. Critics have been concerned that persons who continuely purchase Tesco Value products will be penalised and sent to death camps in Peterborough. Professor Melanie Skyes told Beans "This is crap. This information will help us battle the ever present threat of Sainsbury's to our national security. Now fuck off."

Members of extremist groups and people "who just can't be bothered" will be unable to purchase the cards due to a very serious loophole. These people are believed to shop at Morrison's and are therefore a "lost cause". Tesco's are now richer than God and Alan Sugar put together with £10 in every £1 we spend going to the owner of the shady organisation who many believe is building a big ray gun that will destroy China.

Richard Madeley was feeling unwell and didn't realise he stole 40 cases of wine. And some crisps.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-02-16T22:49:00.000Z

6 agents from LA try to entice the actor Mark Weeb overseas...

Cheney On the Lam

2006-02-16T22:23:00.000Z

Vice President of the United States Dickie "Heart" Cheney is on the run after killing a man in the woods with a bloody big gun. The Vice President is believed to have shot the man after drinking a shitload of rum and playing Cowboys and Iraqis. His spokesman has blamed "bad intelligence".

Police are hunting every backhouse, crackhouse, outhouse and Aberdeen Steakhouse for Cheney who has believed to have disguised himself as a Mexican immigrant. Texas Ranger and part time President George Bush is leading the hunt. "We won't let this action go unanswerable" Bush said from the back of his stead Americon, "We'll flush him out like we did with that Osama bitch. I just hope I get to him before Schwarzeneggar." The hunt is expected to take up to 10 years.

Cheney's wife Halli Burton is said to be shocked by the incident. "He's never killed a man before. He shot a couple of guys once. He just doesn't have the heart for it" she told Magic Beans' Washington reporter Chad Sexington.

The FBI's Clarice Starling has visited incarcerated lunatic Charlton "Services" Heston to gather insight into the mind of a rifle carrying Republican. He is quoted as saying "A Michael Moore came to visit me once. I ate his huge liver with a nice Chianti made with my cold dead hands."

President Toni Blair has offered his support and has sent 100, 000 troops to Afghanistan to find Cheney.

Flocks flock to see Frocks

2006-02-16T21:52:00.000Z

London Fashion Week has begun as scientists claim to have found very strange skeletal forms roaming around the grounds of the Natural History Museum. The bones seem to suggest a macrobiotic diet, ability to self absorb and wide gaps between toes which some evolutionists believe enables the injecting of "horse".

Fashion Week, which has been renamed Stick and Thin this year to promote the new debit card, is a week long showcase of fake eyelashes, fake smiles and real fur. The opening show, by avant garde Irish designer Pri Mark, was a huge success with such luminaries as Eve Pollard and Lyonne Perry modelling and the bloke who played Benny from Crossroads in the audience.

Several shows were disrupted after floods were reported in the area as toilets in the backstage areas became blocked by increased levels of vomit and disgarded "gam". President of the Models Union Congress (MUC) Kate Moss has warned of an imminent "wildcat walk" strike if the conditions are not improved for the workers. "We will walk out, very stylishly, if we do not get a better backstage. It's like working in a Nike sweatshop back there."

Professor Pete Doherty of the Babyshambles Laboratory was unavailable for coherent comment.

Fags Banned From Pubs and Clubs

2006-02-16T21:11:00.000Z

MP's have voted by a huge margin to ban all smoking of cigarettes in all clubs and pubs as well as cigars in private members clubs. Pipes and chewing tobacco will remain outside of the ban "up North" and in parts of Wales.

Smokers will be allowed to smoke their hearts around the back of specially constructed bike sheds which are being manufactured by the tobacco companies. The foundations of the world's largest bike shed, which can be seen from space, were laid by Health Minister Ineda Fagg. "This is a great moment for the health of the nation and a terrible moment for the Treasury who will now tax your arse to cover the loss of revenue."

Lord Benson-Hedges of Marlboro Country, who has mysteriously lobbied hard against the ban, was very angry. "I'm very angry. How am I to enjoy 24 hour drinking without the smooth, relaxing, sophisticated feeling that a fag gives me? I'm fucking livid."

Many believe that the reduction in smoking will lead to a healthier nation and an older population who will dribble and piss themselves at great expense. To combat this all "olds" will be made to work in nicotine patch factories and will be summarily executed for moaning about the price of Oyster cards.

The Liberal Democrat Party Fag Quango was unavailable for comment.

Courtroom Drama Descends into Farce

2006-02-16T20:01:00.000Z

The Saddam Hussein Trial has been hit by yet another bombshell as Saddam and his cronies claim to be taking part in a sponsored hunger strike. Hussein told Beans News that he had had nothing to eat for three days. "Except some Cheetos and the odd Galazy Bar. And a Full English in a can after the mad night out we had."

One of Hussein's co-defendants turned up to court wearing long johns in perhaps legal history's daftest protest. Another worn a thong and fake tits. The protest was staged to highlight the terrible treatment they have received from their captors. Team Hussein are believed to exist on just the finest meats, wine, women and song. "It's a disgrace" said Barzan Al - Capone "When we were in power we ate only the finest women."

Hussein has been roundly accused that he is attempting to stall the trial. At the press conference after the Brits Saddam told Beans "That...is...absolute...ly...u...n..tr...ue." Plans for further disruption were uncovered when Saddam's locker was opened by the Principal. When the trial restarts in two weeks time they will all start humming and the judge won't know who it is.

Judge John Dead is survived by four series and one Bafta.

Chip and Pin Heralds New Age for Robots

2006-02-16T19:22:00.000Z

Tuesday was the very last day UK residents can use their own signature as new ID cards were secretly introduced. So called Chip and Fish Day heralded the death of the "squiggle and swish" and many believe that chaos will ensue at fish counters all over the country.

Many signature fans have been left without careers and revenue. Fans at this week's Brit Awards were left disappointed when popstars and tit tap wearers were unable to sign autographs. A fan told Magic Beans "I'm gutted. I wanted Charlotte Church's signature but she popped out a Debit card and passed it through my slit. Bitch." James Blunt's card was refused because he is too boring.

It is believed that pens, fingers and ultimately hands will become obsolete and multi billion pound government funded research has begun into wands for mashing telephone keys for pizza, curry takeaways and eventually Dr Gillian Mckeith. The world's fattest man Kenny Worrall Thompson from Cleethorpes was to take delivery of the new wand but was unable to sign for it due to fat fingers.

Professor Melanie Sykes of the Laboratoire Garnier told Beans "I believe this begins our evolution into robots with flashing lights and spinning bits. This is a very sad day."

Army Abuse Video Outsells Monkeys

2006-02-16T18:44:00.000Z

Another series of Iraqi Abuse Videos have been released to much harumphing. At the weekend footage revealed British soldiers beating up on some kids whilst the more recent and more shocking footage shows American troops torturing and humilating prisoners by making them watch Davina McCall's new chat show.

US Army spokesman Corporal D Punishment told Magic Beans "This is a disgrace. We would never make an animal watch that shit, let alone a helpless Eraqi soldier". He added that the video footage was probably some extra bits from the latest Paris Hilton or Abi Titmuss spunk wagon.

The British troop footage was typically British. Soldiers are seen wet towel whipping the "cheeky" Iraqi kids whilst singing rugby songs and the video ends with the troops willy waving their way through the local bazaar. Major General Carnage has expressed concern with the image of the British Army. "I would like to express my concern" he told Beans News.

The video has been downloaded nearly 8 million times - outselling the Artic Monkeys but 3 to 1. Those featured are not expected to appear on Top of The Pops this weekend. Dance troupe Pan Asia People will replace them.

Davina McCall was unavailable for comment. Thank fuck for that.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-02-10T12:41:00.000Z

The Sexy Mental Health Police try to take an "emotional" Frank Bruno

Danish Lego Army Under Attack

2006-02-10T12:35:00.002Z

With the Muslim world increasing their attacks on all things Danish, the government in Denmark has announced plans to withdraw their Lego Army from Iraq and Afghanistan.

This development comes in the light of the image of a little “Lego fella” dressed as the Prophet Mohammed. It is strictly forbidden to create action figures of Mohammed or any religious icon as Hasbro discovered when they released a figure of Ganesh with eight movable arms with Kung Fu grip.

Terrorist activities have escalated in the last week. The Lego Airport in Kabal was blown apart by a suicide PlayMobil figure. Local officials plan to rebuild as soon as possible – probably a train station, mosque or CIA safe house. Lego road blocks have been erected around the Danish Parliament.

Prime Minister Duplo told the Magic Beans political reporter Hugh Jarce-Holl “This is out of control. The Lego Embassy in Iran was destroyed last night by rioters. Now it is Hagrid’s Hut with fully sexable Hermione Granger. When will this madness end?”

Mustapha Mecca-no, leader of terror group Mega Bloks, told Beans in a coded message “The smell of burning plastic will be the last thing they hear.”

Hamza And Doherty Do Time

2006-02-10T12:27:00.000Z

Muslim Cleric Pete Doherty has been jailed for seven years after his trial revealed his plans to release albums on the British public. Doherty asked for previous “criminal records” to be taken into account.

The preacher, based in Finsbury Park and renowned for his songs and their killer hook, had been spreading his unique brand of hate in mosques and crack dens all over North London.

In another trial musician Abu “Dr Hook” Hamza escaped a custodial sentence and will now serve 160 hours of community service. Hamza, lead singer of Babyhamza, recently split from “coke Dyson” model Kate Moss.

During Doherty’s trial evidence was presented that suggested there were many terrorist training camps throughout the UK. They are said to be very like CentreParcs but with more bombs and better food. An insider told Magic Beans “The camps are great fun. There is nightly entertainment with the Bomb Coats – the suicide version of Butlin’s Redcoats – and the Burka Beauty Contest is always a hard one to judge.”

In Cuba the US Army has opened a new prison facility – Camp X-Men. Hugh Jackman and Sir Ian McKellan are on their way.

French Face Op Woman Sparks Outrage

2006-02-09T23:00:00.000Z

Pictures of the French woman who successfully had her face transplanted last year have been published in various French papers and magazines. The Muslim community have reacted with anger and outrage as the new face appears to be like "that there" Mohammed. The woman has now requested that she has her "old boat" put back.

Madame Clouseau told of her horror when her new face was revealed to her by doctors after a 20 hour operation. "I couldn't believe it. I had a beard and a glint in my eye. I was going to try for Pop Idol this year." Clouseau hopes to get another religious icon for her next visage. "I hope I get Jesus or Buddha -then I can really make some money."

A spokesman for the Pete Burns Unit in Paris told our medical reporter Dr Hilary Shipman "Fuck knows what happened. I don't even know what Mohammed looks like." Reports that a doctor at the clinic referred to Clouseau's face as looking like a Labrador chewing a wasp and face have been dismissed.

French products have been burned all over Europe. Thousands of Gauloise cigarattes were ignited in cafes and restaurants whilst French cheese was burnt creating a giant Croque Monsieur.

Winter Olympics Startzzz

2006-02-09T22:16:00.000Z

The Winter Olympics start today in Torino with television viewing figures expected to run into the tens all over the UK. The opening ceremony is expected to involve a load of old twaddle, some kids dancing and last for 14 hours.

Due to continuing global warming many of the events will now take place under water and Pete Doherty has been approached to provide the artificial snow for the slopes. Members of ITV8's Celebrities Dancing on Very Thin Ice are expected to join the British team. Both Andi Peters and Dame John Barrowman are entered in the uphill slalom.

Plans to modernise the event this year were revealed at the Il Duce Sports Hall. This year there will be a Vodka Luge, Writing One's Name in the Snow, Curling One Out and a big Snow Ball fight in the Park. However more people are still expected to watch Foyle's War repeats.

Organisers of the 2012 London Olympics will be visiting Torino to see how they can best waste taxpayers money and generally leave it all too late and a bit of a mess. Lord Seb "Co" Coe told Magic Beans Sports Reporter Chad Steriods "It''s great to learn the mistakes of this event and try, with Olympian effort, to magnify them in East London."

In other sports news Dame Tanni Grey Thompson was named Rear of the Year yesterday.

Chinese Crab Attack

2006-02-09T21:43:00.000Z

A huge influx of Chinese crabs is expected to reach our shores in the coming days. Many believe the sideways moving shellfish were actually heading for South America. The Royal Navy and Ross Kemp have been sent to the Channel to prepare for the invasion. The cost is expected to be in the region of £800 billion or one and half Wembley Stadiums.

The giant crabs who can crush a small child in it's claws and open a mediocre Fish and Chip shop within hours are believed to have been sent by the Communist rulers to make way for the Avian flu riddled ducks who are massing at the border. The crabs are expected to land near Hartlepool and local law enforcers are preparing the "monkey" court for their arrival. Local resident Arthur Chance told a Magic Beans reporter "Scum. Coming over here. Pinching our jobs. We'll be ready for them."

Mass panic has been officially declared all over the country with stocks of large pots and Mary Rose sauce running low. The government has assured Magic Beans that stocks of the only known vaccine - Boiling Water - are being rushed into production at great cost to the elderly and gay. President Blair said "We will not stand idly by if there is an opportunity to burn money and increase fear."

Many fear the Chinese crabs will end up working illegally in Morecambe Bay collecting shrimp.

24 Hour Drinking is a Failure

2006-02-09T21:03:00.000Z

Much talked about 24 Hour Drinking Laws have been deamed a failure after brawling and "fucking about" figures dropped dramatically. Levels of drunken fighting and willy waving are at their lowest since the Crimean War. Many police stations have now been bought by Wetherspoons and officers have been told to master cocktail mixing skills.

Minister for Keeping It Real Charles McBooze spoke to Magic Beans at his local public house The Tired Rentboy "It's a disgrace. This country has really gone down hill since the laws came in. We had hoped for a level of bladderedness that would numb the proles into a blissful ignorance." The government now hope that cartoons and bird flu will keep the kids fighting.

Other figures show a huge increase in the amount of people giving up work to go on the piss and start a band and stuff. The figures are said to be unrelated. Thousands of people queued up on Tuesday at Wembley Conference Centre to audition for the role of George Best in the musical of his life - Liver and Let Die.

Professor Lowri Turner was unavailable for comment.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-02-03T12:26:00.000Z

A Mr M Uslim-Cleric gave us this "Noddy and all you infidels in Toyland - your 9/11 is coming..."

Cartoons of Mohammed Spark Outrage

2006-02-03T12:08:00.000Z

Cartoons of Mohammed Al Fayed, owner of Harrods and Fulham Football Club, have sparked outrage in areas of Knightsbridge and Kensington. Some are said to depict Mohammed peddling expensive tat to fat Americans and another shows him prattling on about Diana and secret service lizards.

It is strict Harrods policy that no image of Mohammed can be drawn, etch-a-sketched or done with potato prints because they make him look fat and a little silly. Sales of Harrods goods have not been affected. Cher opens the mid mid Winter Season Sale on Monday.

In a very similar story Danish Bacon sales have plummeted in the Middle East following publication of Denmark based cartoon Hagar the Horrible which many Muslim clerics believe to be "crap". Danish Bacon has been burnt, grilled and fried in many town squares.

Cartoon characters have been attacked and their images burnt all over the world. Charlie Brown was killed in a frenzied attack in the US and Snoopy was eaten. Apu has refused to serve local resident Homer Simpson and cartoon philosopher Calvin has split from his partner Hobbes after his alternative lifestyle was attacked.

UK Free Speech spokesman Mr Bean told Magic Beans "Western Society seeks Eastern type with GSOH or indeed any."

Super Army Sailors Launch Super Frigate

2006-02-03T11:54:00.000Z

The MOD launched its latest super frigate warship this week. It is believed to have cost about 8 hospitals and one BBC team building weekend.

Operated by a super computer called HAL, it has over 8000 guns and missiles on board and one giant brain cell. The ship can smell fear and has a wicked sound system. Weapons designer Tim Westwood pimped this frigate at a cost of several billion love dollars.

New missiles include the iPatriot which can hold up to 10,000 bombs and comes in white. The Bellybuster Bomb can parachute millions of Full English Breakfasts into desert villages and terrorist training camps rendering any "ragheads" bloated and looking for a cup of tea.

Pundits hope that the ship is ready for the imminent invasion/pummeling of Iran who have refused to bend over for Bush and hand over the plutonium they stole from the Libyans who were in Back To The Future.

This launch came in the same week as the Army celebrated the 100th winner of a medal which President Toni Blair hopes to pin on a grieving widow in the coming weeks.

EuroMillions Jackpot Causes Mayhem

2006-02-03T11:38:00.000Z

This week's EuroMillions lottery prize has risen to a staggering £125 million. All over Europe people have been smashing down doors, kicking old people in the face and burning cartoons in an attempt to get tickets. Tickets are being sold at four or five times their face value on eBay and one teenager in Cleethorpes sold his grandmother to get a ticket.

In this country the Chancellor Gordon "Golden" Brown was spotted buying a "shitload" of tickets in a Whitehall corner shop. When approached by Magic Beans he said "If I win, this will pay for a needle exchange in the West End. Fuck prudence, get out of my way." He added that in no way was the lottery a tax on the working class.

£125 million will make the winner slightly richer than Jesus and just behind The Queen and her husband Rolf Harris. The world's richest man continues to be the Pope who invented Windows and Catholicism - both of which don't work in principal.

President of ChavScum Winners of The Lottery Sir Michael Carroll spoke to Magic Beans from his million pound caravan. "It didn't change me. I'm still scum. Just scum with money - like Paris Hilton."

Mike TeeVee told Magic Beans "If I get the winning ticket I'll meet Willy Wonka and stab him through the heart - no one will be able to touch me."

Saddam Trial Playing to Empty House

2006-02-03T10:18:00.000Z

The Saddam Hussein Trial which is the big trial of Saddam Hussein is to continue without Saddam Hussein or anyone related to the trial. Last weekend Saddam walked out of the court after he complained the lighting "wasn't great" and made him look fat. In solidarity all of his defence team also "did one" and are not coming back because "we don't want to and you can't make me".

The trial now continues with only the judge and the guy who does the "funny typewriter thingy" in the room. The judge tried in vain to introduce a "Throwing Toys Out of Pram" motion to keep the former dictator and mass murderer Hussein in his cot but Team Hussein retorted with a "Not worth the parchment it's written on" motion and the trail ground to a halt.

Team Hussein are celebrating however with the announcement of a Oscar nod for Saddam and his portrayal of a gay cowpoke in "Bareback Whipping". The nomination has sparked rumours of an appearance in the forthcoming biopic of George "Toady" Galloway.

The trial is expected to last 32 years. You kurd it here first.

Doctor Needed at Aisle 3

2006-02-03T09:52:00.000Z

Health Minister Coughy McSplurt announced plans this week to introduce clinics into supermarkets, bowling alleys and strip clubs. Punters will be able to purchase some plums whilst having labiaplasty surgery and a little man with tiny hands will shine your shoes. The plans are a part of a general drive to push medical care out of surgeries and hospitals and into the streets.

Doctors and nurses will be placed next to the meat counters and in Waitrose next to the Deli counter and dispense quality cuts to patients and old biddies. Weekly specials will be made available and Tesco's have already revealed a low cost range of genito urinary examinations called "A Piece of Piss".

Some critics believe that the quality of care will be reduced, especially in the run up to Christmas. Doctor Mbono, speaking from a Costcutter Hyper Chondria Market in Staines, said "This is totally untrue. Now, I have to go and fix the Slush Puppy machine. Please come again."

Next week the much anticipated Text Doctor service is launched by Doctor Tom Baker. The service "ITS 2 L8 UR DEAD" is expected to cut queues and many corners.

US Addicted to Oil

2006-02-03T09:32:00.000Z

The President of The USA George Bush made his annual State of The Onion address this week and made the shock relevation that the country has developed a very serious addiction to oil. He told Magic Beans that the US had had a problem for several years now and had taken to stealing from other countries to get "it's fix".

Rumours that the country had a problem started after a video was released showing America guzzling oil in a recording studio with Babyshambles shambles Tommy Doherty. After this America lost several contracts with brands such as Kyoto and The Future of the Planet. The US has since become sullen, defensive and agressive - classic addict signs.

Bush hopes that he can cut off the dealers in the Middle East and try to grow "their own shit" in Texas. "There's nothing better than a bit of home grown" said Bush from his rehab ranch in Crawford. Plans to blow "the fuck" out of the dealers in East are already in operation.

Oil giants BNP and Shell posted profits of 900 trillion dollars this week due to an small increase in the Fulham school run.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-01-27T11:38:00.000Z

Thanks to Mr Kipper, Local Estate Agent, for "Female bathers suffer an extreme reaction to sea pollution as their labia swell to the size of surfboards"

Latest Lib Dem Shock - "We are Electable"

2006-01-27T11:10:00.000Z

The Liberal Democrat Party have been rocked by a series of shocking scandals and revelations over the last few weeks. The latest rumour, that they are still electable, has been vigorously denied by Party spokesman Sir Graham Norton. Speaking at Lib Dem HQ in Old Compton Street he stressed "There's nothing to see here. Keep moving."

The trouble started when Charles "Ted" Kennedy resigned after failing to scotch rumours of his scotch consumption leaving a leadership race to unfold. Since then two of the forerunners have been exposed as gay and the other as very, very old.

Family man Mark Oaten was forced to confess he had trouble paying the rent. Boys subsequently complained about the smell. An insider told Magic Beans "Whenever the shit hits the fan, Oaten is always there to support us when the rent is due." Oaten was forced to withdraw.

In the last few days Simon Hughes has been exposed as a "arse bandit" and a frequent user of the illicit NHS Hotline known as ManTalk. "It shouldn't matter that I lied about being gay. What Oaten did was much worse. He liked to..." said Hughes.

Supervillian Ming the Merciless is expected to win the contest and skeletons are being rigourously sought for in closets.

Celebrities Seriously Hurt in Car Crash Television

2006-01-27T10:36:00.000Z

Several celebrities have reportedly been hurt and potentially increased their profiles in a three week car crash. Some have suffered horrific facial surgery and all are recovering from over exposure.

George "Prig" Galloway left the house during the week to widespread "applause and encouragement". George is keen to get back to work and only yesterday was seen exchanging oil for food at the local Shell. Video tape of George sharing a Havana with Uday "mentalist" Hussein emerged this week sparking rumours that Galloway would become the judge at the Saddam trial in Baghdad. 24 year old Havana's body was never found.

In a cruel irony many believe that non-celebrity contestant Michael Barrymore will win Celebrity Big Brother this evening. He entered the house forcefully and has refused to leave until they recommission his show "Kids say the Funniest Things when under Oath". Chantelle, the Essex entertainer who walked away from the scene of an Art Malik pool party tragedy, is expected to get her "jugs" out in the Sundays.

After several days of tests Pete Burns gorilla coat was subsequently discovered to be made of the little known Artic Monkeys, known for their very bad skin and distinctive cries.

The First Gay Divorcee

2006-01-27T10:14:00.000Z

Just a month after homosexuals were allowed legal civil partnership the first gay couple have filed for divorce. Mr and Mr Adam and Steve Austin have cited unreconcilable differences and terrible nails as the main issues. Forty four other men were mentioned as being involved.

Sir Peter Stachell has been campaigning for equal gay divorce rights for several weeks. "This is a great day for all of us. For 6 weeks gay people have been unable to experience the pain and heartache of a bitter seperation. That was a disgrace. Now we're equal".

Adam Austin, a loafer lightener on Celebrity Dancing on Very Thin Ice on ITV, told Magic Beans "I am very happy. We wanted to be the very first. We're throwing a huge divorce party next weekend". Possessions will be split accordingly. Adam will get the tank tops and Desperate Housewives Series 1 DVD and Steve is hoping to get custody of the Egytpian Linen bedspreads and scented candles.

Gay divorces are expected to become all the rage. Her Majesty Elton John and David "Fully" Furnish are planning to announce plans for a glittering celebrity studded divorce later this month.

Mark Oaten is survived by one wife and two rent boys.

Sven Scores Own Goal and Gets Sweet FA

2006-01-27T09:50:00.000Z

Sven Goran Erikison, legendary lothario and sometime England football manager, has revealed he will retire from the position after he has led the team to a much hyped but ultimately futile World Cup campaign.

After weeks of newspaper reports Sven met an Arab Sheikh who offered a huge fee to manage Kettering Town. He is alleged to have accused several high profile managers of taking bungs. FA boss Fred Elliot retorted "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

"I thought this was the time to go. I want to get the team out by the first round after several tepid performances" said Sven. Many expect Sven to continuing managing. He has been attached to manage Tim Henman and orchestrate the return of Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards at this year's Winter Olympics.

Paul "Strip" Gascoigne told Magic Beans "Get some blood into it!"

Dossers Sent Back To Work

2006-01-27T09:23:00.000Z

The Government Department for Malingers and Dossers has announced sweeping plans to get over a million "disableds" back to work saving the government over £7 Billion which will be invested in Lottery tickets for the Euromillions draw.

Those who refuse to return to work will have their incapacity benefits withdrawn and be sent to war in Afganistan. The Minister Herr Hutton spoke to the Magic Beans political correspandant Hugh Jarce-Holl at the unveiling of the biggest munitions factory in the world - just outside of Upper Dogging. The factory, which can be clearly seen from space, will be staffed by single mums, the terminally ill, pensioners and those blokes who hurt their knee but can still play pitch and putt.

"This Benefits Brown Paper heralds a new age for munitions production which has reached new heights in this War on Terror" said Hutton. "It's time for the terminally ill to get off their arses, out of beds needed for plastic surgery patients and testing rocket shell safety."

Lord Tebbit was unavailable for comment. He was getting on his three wheel bike.

Thames Whale Exposed as Russia Spy

2006-01-27T08:34:00.000Z

The Thames Whale, who sensationally appeared in the river last weekend, has been exposed as a Russian spy. The whale's realname was Vladimir Mobidicski, codename 3 Villy, and he had been a high level agent for several years. He had been using hi tech sonar equipment to listen to "chatter" in Parliament and the MI6 Building.

The autopsy has revealed that Vladimir died due to the effluent in the Thames. On cutting the stomach open they found 400 condoms, a Sainsbury's trolley and a small African torso. The body of Vladimir will now be sent to the Benihana Laboratory for immediate "frying up with teriyaki sauce".

The Minister for Mantalk told Magic Beans "What's the porpoise of this invasion? We will be seeking film rights." A Russian Minister replied "People in glasnost houses shouldn't throw stones with high tech computer devices within them."

The energy crisis worsens in Eastern Europe with the Ukraine continuing to struggle to find huge 50 pence pieces to keep the "leccy" on as their creepy landlord Russia keeps pulling the plug and demanding the rent by Friday. The worst winter since the last one has been described as "colder than a nun's tit".

When "Free Willy" was spotted down by the Thames half of the Liberal Democrat Party ran to the site.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-01-20T09:48:00.000Z

"Delia always serves up quality head"

Bin Laden Comeback Released

2006-01-20T09:31:00.000Z

Prog rock supremo and terrorist Osama Bin Laden has released a rare recording after his triumphant return to form at last year's Live 8 Concert. The tapes, known as the Jihad Sessions, were handed to his manager Al Jazeera and then played to the assembled music press.

The recordings seem to have been recorded some time ago and some fear that rival band The George Bush Connection released the tape to keep up "public fear" and keep him on top. However the tape includes some of Bin Laden's most experimental work

A new tour of the USA and other infidel countries is promised by Team Laden and tickets are expected to go fast. Whether this tour will be as chemically based as previous tours is unsure but Osama told Magic Beans at his Surrey mansion "I want this next tour to be more organic, a bit biological. Maybe not as explosive as the Popmart tour but widespread."

Bin Laden also told us that he is open to a truce with rival band Bush Connection. "We can't both be number one. If he releases his single another week we can both have a piece of the action. Oh yeah, Death to Infidels."

Blur and Oasis are touring Iran next month.

Big Brother Gorilla Arrested

2006-01-20T09:10:00.000Z

The Celebrity Big Brother House was rocked by the arrest of the endangered gorilla Kong after it was established he walked away from the scene of a crime in downtown New York. Kong, who has shocked the nation and fellow housemates by wearing a human skin coat, was said to "be bananas".

Over the last few weeks Kong, formerly known as the King, has entertained George "Pussy" Galloway and Michael "Baywatch" Barrymore with his witty banter and throwing his crap around the bedroom. But talk of his life in New York has sparked controversy after he admitted trashing a theatre and climbing the Empire State Building for a Fathers For Justice stunt. He then moved to New Zealand to escape the press and performed a one gorilla show - "The Monkey's Nuts".

Hertfordshire Police told Magic Beans "That dirty bastard is finally behind bars in Chessington Maximum Security Zoo. He does a show each day at 3pm." Kong had hoped to take over the England job after Sven Goran Erikkkiisoon had taken a massive bung but these plans seem dashed.

Big Brother continues without Kong. Last night an old dinosaur entered the house and tore Preston apart. Sir Jimmy Saville was unavailable for comment.

Brown Pushes Britishishness

2006-01-19T23:19:00.000Z

Gordon Brown has made calls for a promotion of Britishness. He spoke to an assembled crowd at the Oswald Moseley Memorial Hall in East London and laid out clear plans for moves to increase awareness of St George and pies.

One controversial move is to change the name of the national flag to The Union Jeremy to appeal to Jews and gaylords. The red, white and blue colours will go in favour of paisley, whitewash white and beige. The whole design will be moved to right of centre.

Brown also introduced new tests for immigrants. Questions asked as they disembark from the back of a lorry will include - who won the second big brother, what flower "killed" Dirty Den and who was your favourite in Friends. Brown's fav has always been Monica.

Plans to revive St George's Day as a national day of celebration were met with great interest. - Brown said "France has Pastille Day and America's Independence Day with Will Smith is huge. We should be able to get tanked up and smash up some corner shops - just like the French."

BNP leader Delbert Winston welcomed the move. "We love it. This'll show the bastards not to mess with the greatest country in the world." His trial begins next week.

Batman Attempts Blair Kid Kidnap

2006-01-19T22:45:00.000Z

Former superhero and single father Batman has been arrested at the Bruce Wayne Community Centre after allegations he was attempting to kidnap President Toni Blair's son Ian. The black cloaked vigilante, real name Adam West, is being held at Paddington Green Police Station.

Commissioner Gordon of the Metropolitan Police told Magic Beans that Batman was being very cooperative. "He's being very cooperative," he hold Magic Beans "We're hoping he makes a run for a tube and we can lay twenty rounds in his face."

Batman has had a long publicised problem with drink and drugs which led a ban from driving the Batmobile. Most recently he was caught with housemate Robin "having a piece". He and fellow ex-superheroes Spiderman and Superman had resorted to climbing public buildings and making a fuss.

Blair was unworried. "I don't give a monkey's. I have superpowers far superior to these washed up heroes. I know George Bush you know." Blair's powers include sexing up of documents, bad intelligence and making voters disappear.

The Joker is survived by 3 Queens and 1 Spade.

Bareback Mountain Clears Up

2006-01-19T21:48:00.000Z

Gay cowboy movie Bareback Mountain has swept the board at the Golden Globes with 19 "fabulous" awards for make up, hair, costumes and nails. Many industry insiders now believe this success will herald a resurgence in mainstream gay cinema.

Bareback tells the story of two cowpokes played by "rising" stars Ian McKellan and Kevin Spacey who find love and have cuddles amongst the horse manure and slurry. Critics have praised the clothing and the tight asses.

The history of pink Homo Hollywood is long and veiny but it was initially a small cottage industry. The epic DeMille film "Ben Him" was renowned for it's scenes of needle work and brunch as was Roman epic "I, Fabulous". Productions currently lensing include a "Shakesqueer" adaptations of TightArse Andronicus and Romeo and Romeo starring neo-con actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mel Gibson.

Bum Bandits, the new Jim Carrey comedy vehicle, tells the story of a down on his luck fitness instructor who resorts to burgling turds to make ends meet. It grossed $4 in the US. President Bush, an outspoken gay rights supporter spoke from his ranch with his friend Nathan,"Let 'em be. I'm all for homeosexuals. Soon as we get that stem cell shit right we'll cure all of that barn door action."

Rock Hudson was unavailable for comment.

Brothels Get A Hand Up From MPs

2006-01-19T16:38:00.000Z

The government have announced sweeping plans to revive Britain's ailing brothel industry. Years of neglect and underfunding by MP's have left some hookers derelict and barely usable. Plans for new walk-in "knocking shops" in supermarkets and at petrol stations have been welcomed by the Uk's leading prossies.

Red light zones will be rebranded as "Feminine Enterprise Zones" with business centres for pimps to fax and email as well as designated alleyways for "beating up on pervos who want to pee on you". The FEZs will open in all major towns with Croydon becoming the first town to become entirely red.

Condoms, ripped tights and all "leopard skin" products will be made tax deductable and a whore tax will be introduced. Time sheets will allow hookers to cock on and cock off after shifts. Many will introduce Chip and Pin facilities but not for handjobs which are strictly cash.

Lord B. Rown-PaperBag told Magic Beans he was disgusted. "I'm disgusted. I dont even know what a prostitute does. Or for how long. Or what they will do for how much. I don't want it in my backyard."

Lord B. was later arrested whilst "looking for badgers" on Clapham Common.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-01-13T11:15:00.000Z

"Tube Strikes cannot stop Cirque du Soleil from getting to work"

Kelly Hires Glitter and King

2006-01-13T10:48:00.000Z

Ruth Kelly, who recently starred in The Da Vinci Code movie, has come under fierce criticism after allowing Gary Glitter to become a music teacher in a primary school in Cleethorpes.

The blunder comes after a catalogue of mistakes by the Education Minister. Last month music impressario Jonathon King was made deputy head at the same school and pop princess Michael Jackson joined the PE staff. Ian Huntley was reinstated as school caretaker.

"This could have happened to anyone. There are so many people with the name Gary Glitter -you can't check all of them", said Kelly, known as Harry Potter amongst the Labour Party. She added "We will do an exhaustive review if you want but really no one was hurt and Glitter is now safely working at Montisorri Nursery."

This comes in the same week that John "Tyson" Prescott was imprisoned for council tax evasion. Prescott has asked to meet the Deputy Prime Minister to seek release but so far no reply has been sent.

Professor Dumbledore was unavailable for comment. He was done for dragon fiddling.

Iran Goes Nuclear / Angelina Pregnant

2006-01-13T10:22:00.000Z

Iran has reopened it's nuclear testing facilities after officials told the UN they were sick of Iraq getting "all the press". Political commentator Jim Rosenthal told us "They're jealous. Iraq gets all the column inches these days. They want a piece of the action".

Iran's publicist Max "amillion" Clifford has been pushing Iran over the past few months. Iran's affair with Sven Goran Erikkison failed to ignite the tabloids and Iran's entrance into the Big Brother house was ecilpsed by Non-Celebrity Chantelle. The nuclear programme and future plans for chemical weapons research are seen as a last ditch attempt to get "back on top".

American Idol judge President George Bush was unimpressed. "I'm unimpressicated by this fame hungry nation. I think they're gonna bomb. Failing that we'll do it. Yeeehah."

Amid fears that serious news is being dumbed down the announcement of Saint Angelina Jolie's pregnancy to Brad "Joseph" Pitt was made in front of the UN Security Council. UN President Morgan Freeman was the first to drop sanctions against Jolie. "I think it's great news. At last she has here own child rather than buy them in bazaars in Morocco."

Blair Wants a Bit of Respec

2006-01-13T10:01:00.000Z

President Toni Blair has announced plans to give "the smackdown" to teenage yobs, hoodies and skanks. Blair arrived with Aretha Franklin at the Vicky Pollard Memorial School to launch his RESPEC drive.

Plans include an Academy for bad parents which Labour said would teach "shit parents" how to fiddle income support and would be fully televised. Professor Gillian "Crap Cutter" Mckeith is attached to present. Other plans include free skateboards for every teenage boy and girl, "some rare kreps" for all pregnant girls and weird showers that hoodies will never come out of.

Blair told assembled press "Find out what it means to me. RESPEC. Sock it to me. Sock it to me." Later Franklin told Magic Beans "We need to lock these brats up. String 'em up and get them on bikes and cleaning those rivers of blood."

One of Blair's clearest messages was to "noisy neighbours". In a shock move Gordon Brown and his family were ejected from Number 11 Downing Street and kicked all the way down Whitehall. Blair said "He's been a pain in my arse for years. Fiscal policies at all hours of the night, prudence all over our garden. He needs to learn Respec."

Hussein Joins Galloway in BB House

2006-01-13T09:33:00.000Z

The Big Brother House will receive a special guest this weekend as former dictator and mass murderer Saddam Hussein joins the housemates. Hussein who recently "beat the rap" in Iraq, after all members of the prosecution were nominated and evicted from their lives, arrives in Elstree on Saturday morning.

Hussein's best mate George Galloway is already in the house and has become popular after appearing topless and displaying his tattoos. "I can't wait to see him. When he has a drink in him he becomes quite an animal. He'll cut Pete Burns head off I'm sure." George has faced criticism from the press and his fellow MP's for wasting taxpayers money, abandoning his constituents and generally "making a bit of a twat" of himself.

Bookies have placed Hussein as favourite to win with celebrity "car crashes" Michael "Drew Barrymore and Pete "Third Degree" Burns following very closely behind. A little too closely. Saddam had been touted as a contestant for "Celebrities on Very Thin Ice" on ITV but pulled out due to the prescence of Andi "frivolous" Peters. Experts at the Heat Magazine Laboratory now believe that all of the world's celebrities are currently on celebrity shows and as such pose now harm to normal "Joe Six Pack".

Police found traces of David Seaman near the scene.

Bird Flu Hits Turkey. Sprouts Next.

2006-01-13T09:08:00.000Z

The dreaded Bird Flu, known in the science community as "Stormus ina Teacupes", has moved to the European stage of its worldwide stadium tour. It touched down in Turkey to scenes reminscent of The Beatles arriving in the US.

Several people were deaded by the rush to get the new album "You're All Going To Die" and government officials fear the demands for tickets on mainland Europe may be huge. Rumours that giant turkeys, some in excess of 50 feet, were roaming the land eating peasants were proved to be slightly over the top. Most believe they are no bigger than 20 feet. Chocolate fans in the UK have started stockpiling tonnes of Turkish Delight which many worry may become infected and start "quacking".

Turkey has been keen to emphasise to tourists that the country is still open for business. Prime Minister Stavros MustafaLeek told Magic Beans on the phone "There is nothing wrong here. Nothing to see. Keep moving. Oh my God, what is that? A huge hen. Help me, hel-"

Stavros was been unavailable for comment ever since. Shit.

This Week's Caption Competition

2006-01-06T12:12:00.000Z

Winner - SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Kennedy Hits Sauce

2006-01-06T11:44:00.000Z

Liberal Democrat Leader Charles "Hic" Kennedy has formally announced his plans to leave politics and become a professional pisshead. Speaking at a press conference in a Wetherspoons near Kings Cross he told drinkers that now was the right time to move on and hit the sauce really heavily. "I want to cane it big style. Proper bladdered. Arse pissing in the streets. The whole deal. The only party I want to be in is a House Party".

Journalists, well known for their sobreity, were shocked by the announcements. At a press conference for the press involved, the press told the press that the press was not to blame. "The press is not to blame" said a member of the press.

Many believe the signs that Kennedy liked the booze have been evident over the last few years. He had frequently forgotten what party he belonged to and Labour believe it was the hooch that made him oppose the Iraq war. His plans to turn the £400 billion Scottish Parliament into a distillery raised many eyebrows.

Kennedy added "I think it is unfair that the Scottish stereotype is just a drunken ginger man. I would like to add that I also beat my wife and never put my hand in my pocket."

Kennedy's friends, Jimmy Five Bellies and Gazza, were unavailable for coherent comment.

Black Hole Created by Celebrity Big Brother

2006-01-06T11:19:00.000Z

This year's Celebrity Big Brother has stunned astromoners by creating a black hole near Elstree Studios. Late last night a large vacuum formed as 11 "sad" acts entered a confined space and strived for a panto appearance or a back catalogue release.

Sir Patrick Moore told Magic Beans "I was looking through my telescope and when I saw no stars in the North London area I knew we had a black hole." Moore, who released an exercise video last week called "The Pie at Night", fears this void may last for up to three weeks.

The 11 "stars" known collectively as Celebrite Minor include the usual band of damaged freaks and vain tit tapers and willy wavers. Disgraced pool attendant Michael Barrymore joined the house after lifeguard Art Malik pulled out. Barrymore told the press "I'm excited. I'm so excited I have a broom handle in my pants. I just want to know if Preston is awright in the back."

In an international space station deal ITV have agreed to create a similar black hole for the next 10 days on their channel. "Celebrity Blow Your Tits Up" starts tonight.

God was unavailable for comment. He was too busy watching the live feed on E4.

"Sexed Up" Video Emerges of Toni Blair

2006-01-06T10:42:00.000Z

A secretly filmed video diary showing President Toni Blair cavorting with Cabinet members has emerged on the Number 10 website. The three minute video, filmed by renowned documentary maker John Leslie, shows Blair shafting the "country" from behind whilst giving multiple "jobs" to David Blunkett.

Later Blair is seen splashing out on a White Paper and bragging that he can be ready for action in less than 45 minutes. Tory leader David "Diaz" Cameron saw the video last night and was "revolted". He said "I'm revolted. I've never seen anything so shamless. I will immediately produce my own video in response".

Blair is expected to hit the road this year with his new rock band Bad Intelligence. The group have been in the news recently with the continued friction between the brothers Gordon and Toni. Both want to be lead singer but no one wants to play the "second fiddle".

Bush recently released a "sexed up" Christmas video with his two "bitches" Paris Hilton and Abi Titmuss.