Thursday, October 04, 2007
MBUK - The Line Writer
Below are a selection of videos from the Magic Beans for your Eyes Collection. For many many more videos head to www.youtube.com/damnmagicbeans
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The All New Caption Competition
Here it is. This caption competition needs you to fill it's gaping hole. Place your ideas in the comments area and the funniest will win some magic beans...
And for Magic Beans for your eyes check out BBC Comedy Soup for the latest Blair News - clicky here
Steve Irwin: "Make him a Saint, mate"
Snake teaser and tiger prodder Steve Irwin has been remembered in the biggest memorial service in Australia since Skippy was run down by a truck. Eight million Australians flip flopped onto the streets of Woollabonga to worship at the steel toe capped desert boot of the dead Irwin. Crocodile tears flooded the streets creating "beauitful pools of vomit, beer and tears".
Irwin, who died several weeks ago after punching a defenseless stingray for an hour, has been hailed as a true Australian hero. Some have called for Steve to be made a Saint immediately and have "fired off a note to the Pope fella". The largest statue in the world will be constructed on top of Ayers Rock and will be clearly seen from space. The figure, made from used cans of VB and slaughtered stingrays, will be built by recently deported Muslims from the UK. The statue will feature Irwin strangling an Komodo Dragon.
Many Aussies are sure that Princess Irwin's death was a conspiracy and believed he may have been pregnant at the time with the Angel Gabriel's child. Religious leader in Australia, Russell Crowe, spoke at the memorial serv"ice at The Irwin Theme Park "I will not stop crying, drinking and fighting until Steve's death is avenged. I will have my vengance. I know you pommes did it!" Prime Minister John "Frankie" Howard spoke to the assembled crowds of sobbing mourners. "We will rise again. We have lost a truly wondrous figurehead, a visionary, an Olympian ideal and we have lost Steve Irwin - a scruffy sideshow buffoon. Let us pray."
In other news effigies of Germaine Greer are outselling effigies of the Pope in "Burn Your Own Effigy" shops in Muslim countries.
Irwin, who died several weeks ago after punching a defenseless stingray for an hour, has been hailed as a true Australian hero. Some have called for Steve to be made a Saint immediately and have "fired off a note to the Pope fella". The largest statue in the world will be constructed on top of Ayers Rock and will be clearly seen from space. The figure, made from used cans of VB and slaughtered stingrays, will be built by recently deported Muslims from the UK. The statue will feature Irwin strangling an Komodo Dragon.
Many Aussies are sure that Princess Irwin's death was a conspiracy and believed he may have been pregnant at the time with the Angel Gabriel's child. Religious leader in Australia, Russell Crowe, spoke at the memorial serv"ice at The Irwin Theme Park "I will not stop crying, drinking and fighting until Steve's death is avenged. I will have my vengance. I know you pommes did it!" Prime Minister John "Frankie" Howard spoke to the assembled crowds of sobbing mourners. "We will rise again. We have lost a truly wondrous figurehead, a visionary, an Olympian ideal and we have lost Steve Irwin - a scruffy sideshow buffoon. Let us pray."
In other news effigies of Germaine Greer are outselling effigies of the Pope in "Burn Your Own Effigy" shops in Muslim countries.
John Reid Says "Shop Your Kids, Muslims"
Home Secretary John "Dr John" Reid has called on Muslim parents to shop their children if they so much as open "the Koran or a rucksack". His speech at a mosque in the East End was met with widespread "support" followed by heckling and throwing bits of old veg at the former bare knuckle boxer's head.
Reid said he needed help from British Muslims in help catch extremists as MI5 were too busy to help out because the new series of Spooks had started on BBC1. "We can't be expected to catch terrorists and imprison "browns" for indefinite periods without the help of those who feed and cloth the little terrors" said Reid as he ran from the area flanked by Stormtroopers.
This speech follows a leaked report suggesting the Government were planning on rounding up all Muslims and sending them to Australia. The document stated "We have Polish and Lithuanians now. They are much better immigrants and the women look fantastic." Large boats have been built near Dover that will transport the hordes to work in surf shops and help build the Steve Irwin Memorial Statue.
Last week Police were cleared of shooting the Brazilian and Pakistani Prime Ministers at a recent summit in Stockwell. "It was a fucking accident alright?" said Major Carnage of the Shoot First, And Shoot Again before pushing Magic Beans News down "some stairs".
Reid said he needed help from British Muslims in help catch extremists as MI5 were too busy to help out because the new series of Spooks had started on BBC1. "We can't be expected to catch terrorists and imprison "browns" for indefinite periods without the help of those who feed and cloth the little terrors" said Reid as he ran from the area flanked by Stormtroopers.
This speech follows a leaked report suggesting the Government were planning on rounding up all Muslims and sending them to Australia. The document stated "We have Polish and Lithuanians now. They are much better immigrants and the women look fantastic." Large boats have been built near Dover that will transport the hordes to work in surf shops and help build the Steve Irwin Memorial Statue.
Last week Police were cleared of shooting the Brazilian and Pakistani Prime Ministers at a recent summit in Stockwell. "It was a fucking accident alright?" said Major Carnage of the Shoot First, And Shoot Again before pushing Magic Beans News down "some stairs".
Thai Coup: Glitter Takes Power
The sudden Thai coup in Thailand has ended with the crowning of Gary "Glitter" Glitter as Prime Minister of the country, Thailand. The bloodless coup was started by Gary and his fellow army buddies including Jonathon "The Man Who Would Be" King.
Glitter's army or Gang was lead by a barrage of ping pong balls fired by the "crack" Patpong Girl Brigade. This attack was followed by squadrons of screaming lady boys who witnesses remarked, didn't know whether they were coming or going. Whilst the current PM was in New York on a shopping trip, Glitter took the opportunity to take over the Thai television channels. The country is now being subjected to 24 hour Glitter music video and the entire series of Entertainment USA.
In an address to the Thai people Glitter told them to "not worry". "If you wanna be in my gang, you can. If you're 12." His first ministerial move was to take back Phi Phi Island from known peadophile Scaramanga, the so called "Man With the Golden Son". It will become the Paul Gadd School of Excellence in Pole Dancing or PGSOEIPD for short.
The ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Sinatra has decided to stay in New York and open a Thai Restaurant based on the Rat Pack. Sinatra's will serve Yummi Davies Junior Curry, Dean Ma Tom Soup and the cream of Som Yog Gui.
Glitter's army or Gang was lead by a barrage of ping pong balls fired by the "crack" Patpong Girl Brigade. This attack was followed by squadrons of screaming lady boys who witnesses remarked, didn't know whether they were coming or going. Whilst the current PM was in New York on a shopping trip, Glitter took the opportunity to take over the Thai television channels. The country is now being subjected to 24 hour Glitter music video and the entire series of Entertainment USA.
In an address to the Thai people Glitter told them to "not worry". "If you wanna be in my gang, you can. If you're 12." His first ministerial move was to take back Phi Phi Island from known peadophile Scaramanga, the so called "Man With the Golden Son". It will become the Paul Gadd School of Excellence in Pole Dancing or PGSOEIPD for short.
The ousted Prime Minister Thaksin Sinatra has decided to stay in New York and open a Thai Restaurant based on the Rat Pack. Sinatra's will serve Yummi Davies Junior Curry, Dean Ma Tom Soup and the cream of Som Yog Gui.
Models: Fatten Up or Else!
London Fashion Week has begun amid cries for skinny models to be burnt to the ground unless they eat a Melton Mowbray pie and some Wheat Crunchies. Big boned and "chunky" models were being shipped into South Kensington by the truck load to meet the new demand for fuller figure beauties.
Fashion Week, now sponspered by Ginsters, started with the new collection of elasticated sweat pants and "momos" from designer Kenny Swish. Kenny told Magic Beans "I think it's fabulous that we have bloaters on the cat walk. They always have such good senses of humour and bubbly personalties. Obviously they make my clothes look like shi-" The cat walk has since been restrengthened and renamed the Cake Walk.
Experts were however disappointed with the purge on beautiful,perfect specimuns of the female form. "This is the largest collection of bones ever on display at the Natural History Museum. We are very excited" said Professor Lowri Turner.
Spokesperson for the stick models, coke hoover Kate Moss, agreed. "I agree" said Moss in an exclusive interview. Kate was later accidently snorted by super model Lisa Riley backstage at the John Smith's summer collection show.
Fashion Week, now sponspered by Ginsters, started with the new collection of elasticated sweat pants and "momos" from designer Kenny Swish. Kenny told Magic Beans "I think it's fabulous that we have bloaters on the cat walk. They always have such good senses of humour and bubbly personalties. Obviously they make my clothes look like shi-" The cat walk has since been restrengthened and renamed the Cake Walk.
Experts were however disappointed with the purge on beautiful,perfect specimuns of the female form. "This is the largest collection of bones ever on display at the Natural History Museum. We are very excited" said Professor Lowri Turner.
Spokesperson for the stick models, coke hoover Kate Moss, agreed. "I agree" said Moss in an exclusive interview. Kate was later accidently snorted by super model Lisa Riley backstage at the John Smith's summer collection show.
World's Oldest Man / Tory Mess
The World's Oldest Man, Sir Ming "Menzies" Campbell, has gone on display in the yearly freak show in the seaside town of Brighton. Ming, who is believed to be 127, is a full twenty years older than Joan Collins - currently Britain's Oldest Actress. Campbell is also the leader of the Liberal Democrat Party - a shady underground movement whose numbers include gays, drunks and shit eaters.
The show saw the welcome return of Charles "Deano" Kennedy and his "drunk" vaudeville act. His performance went down a storm and Kennedy expects to start a tour of breweries and distilleries in the near future. "I'm backh. Yous don't knows me. Did yous spill my pint?" said Chuck to Magic Beans News correspondant before "glassing" BBC's Andrew Marr.
In other Party news the Conservatives have launched their new logo. The former logo, Margaret Thatcher riding in a chariot pulled by miners and milk hungry children, has been replaced by a green crayon "squiggle". The logo, entitled "Pissing up the wrong tree", cost £800 billion and was designed by 1000 monkeys and Keith Turvey, aged 7.
David "Diddy" Cameron told Magic Beans at a skate park he hangs out at in Notting Hill "It's wicked! I think it's rad. It represents our commitment to trees and all root vegetables. That doesn't include Lord Tebbitt. Now watch the olly dude!" Others believe the scribble represents a desperate attempt to sweep up tree huggers left hugless from the recent Lib Dem shenanigans.
Mark Oaten commented "Never speak with your mouthful".
The show saw the welcome return of Charles "Deano" Kennedy and his "drunk" vaudeville act. His performance went down a storm and Kennedy expects to start a tour of breweries and distilleries in the near future. "I'm backh. Yous don't knows me. Did yous spill my pint?" said Chuck to Magic Beans News correspondant before "glassing" BBC's Andrew Marr.
In other Party news the Conservatives have launched their new logo. The former logo, Margaret Thatcher riding in a chariot pulled by miners and milk hungry children, has been replaced by a green crayon "squiggle". The logo, entitled "Pissing up the wrong tree", cost £800 billion and was designed by 1000 monkeys and Keith Turvey, aged 7.
David "Diddy" Cameron told Magic Beans at a skate park he hangs out at in Notting Hill "It's wicked! I think it's rad. It represents our commitment to trees and all root vegetables. That doesn't include Lord Tebbitt. Now watch the olly dude!" Others believe the scribble represents a desperate attempt to sweep up tree huggers left hugless from the recent Lib Dem shenanigans.
Mark Oaten commented "Never speak with your mouthful".
Monday, July 17, 2006
Magic Beans in your Mince Pies
Check out the latest Magic Beans news on BBC Comedy Soup Website
John Prescott Exlcusive - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12965853
Wembley Stadium Update - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12489933
The Water Crisis Continues - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11925911
The latest bird flu news - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745542
US Invade Clitheroe - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745308
Or head to YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/user/damnmagicbeans and check them all out
John Prescott Exlcusive - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12965853
Wembley Stadium Update - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A12489933
The Water Crisis Continues - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11925911
The latest bird flu news - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745542
US Invade Clitheroe - http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/comedysoup/A11745308
Or head to YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/user/damnmagicbeans and check them all out
Friday, May 19, 2006
Magic Beans For Your Eyes
Magic Beans News has been resting over the last few weeks after a very serious bout of "Icouldntbebothereditis" and a much publicised affair with John "Two Shags" Prescott. Magic Beans will return in the coming weeks.
Meanwhile Magic Beans can be ingested visually at the new BBC Comedy Soup Website where Magic Beans News is currently Pick of The Week. There will be a new report every week.
Meanwhile Magic Beans can be ingested visually at the new BBC Comedy Soup Website where Magic Beans News is currently Pick of The Week. There will be a new report every week.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Caption Competition - Normal Service Resumes Next Week
This week a short and sharp special report. Normal service will resume next Friday with a special crucifixion pull out. In the meantime here is a new caption competition. Put your ideas in the comments section and the winner will get Avian flu....
Special Bird Flu Report
Bird Flu has arrived on mainland Britain sending news reporters, pundits and experts into a frenzied panic. A swan was found dead in Fife earlier this week which was later to found to be riddled with flu and bad AIDS. A million mile exclusion zone has been put in place around Fife with only news crews and Bill Oddie allowed into the area.
At a press conference with the world's press the press said "This is the best thing that has happened to us. Our graphic artists have been waiting weeks to show how these killer swans will rape our babies. This is a great day for worry mongererers all over Fleet Street." ITV9 have offered the family of the dead swan an undisclosed amount for an interview with Lord Trevor McDonalds and Davina is expected in the area in the next few hours.
The government has told the public to remain calm but get as frightened as possible and keep vigilant for large birds with beards and rucksacks. Sir Ian Blair has despatched a "hit squad" to the area to take out "anything that fucking moves". A government spokesman told Beans "There is no concern to the general Joe Six Tooth. Despite this we have some window lickers building a wall along the English border to stop the birds getting in." Other plans outlined included detaching Scotland from the mainland and pushing it into North Sea. He added "Scotland is gone. There's nothing we can do for the poor drunk bastards. It's best we get rid and move on."
The Scottish have become increasingly angry and irritable in the last few days because they are unable to have a calming cigarette. "Fucking hell" said a Scottish "I canna stands it no more. All I fucking want is a fag and a chicken burger. My life is shite now." All Scots on the streets of London have been rounded up and sent back with a sack of booze to ease the bird flu. Reports also reach us that the government will use the now defunct Wembley Stadium as a burial ground for diseased and dead bodies of those stupid enough to eat a McNugget.
Mayor of Fife Jock "Wee" McTavish told Magic Beans in a word exclusive "No fucking problem. I've personally caught a few things of some dodgy birds from Fife in my time so I'm taking this in my stride. I'll just have a quick smoke. Oh shit!"
Gene Pitney is survived by a wife and 400 swans.
At a press conference with the world's press the press said "This is the best thing that has happened to us. Our graphic artists have been waiting weeks to show how these killer swans will rape our babies. This is a great day for worry mongererers all over Fleet Street." ITV9 have offered the family of the dead swan an undisclosed amount for an interview with Lord Trevor McDonalds and Davina is expected in the area in the next few hours.
The government has told the public to remain calm but get as frightened as possible and keep vigilant for large birds with beards and rucksacks. Sir Ian Blair has despatched a "hit squad" to the area to take out "anything that fucking moves". A government spokesman told Beans "There is no concern to the general Joe Six Tooth. Despite this we have some window lickers building a wall along the English border to stop the birds getting in." Other plans outlined included detaching Scotland from the mainland and pushing it into North Sea. He added "Scotland is gone. There's nothing we can do for the poor drunk bastards. It's best we get rid and move on."
The Scottish have become increasingly angry and irritable in the last few days because they are unable to have a calming cigarette. "Fucking hell" said a Scottish "I canna stands it no more. All I fucking want is a fag and a chicken burger. My life is shite now." All Scots on the streets of London have been rounded up and sent back with a sack of booze to ease the bird flu. Reports also reach us that the government will use the now defunct Wembley Stadium as a burial ground for diseased and dead bodies of those stupid enough to eat a McNugget.
Mayor of Fife Jock "Wee" McTavish told Magic Beans in a word exclusive "No fucking problem. I've personally caught a few things of some dodgy birds from Fife in my time so I'm taking this in my stride. I'll just have a quick smoke. Oh shit!"
Gene Pitney is survived by a wife and 400 swans.
Friday, March 31, 2006
This Week's Caption Competition
Here it is. This caption competition needs you to fill it's gaping hole. Place your ideas in the comments area and the funniest will win some magic beans...
Condi "Invasion of Blackburn Imminent"
US Secretary of State Condoleezza "Boil in a Bag" Rice has touched down in the Northern town of Blackburn as she tours the area with a view to a possible invasion. The area has a high percentage of Muslim "types" and the Bush administration have become increasingly concerned with their development of nuclear weapons and anti American thoughts.
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw is showing Condi some the local sights before they move to Liverpool and meet with Scouse Special Forces who will lead the bombardment of the Lancashire town. Jack and Condi will visit a traditional local pub "The Suicide Bombers Arms" as well as indulge in some traditional Northern pursuits such as a whippet riding, coal eating and fighting in skips with cloth caps on. They will dine tonight in Liverpool where the menu will include double chips, double beans, double bubble with a side order of "great sense of humour" - which is apparently a Scouse staple.
Condoleeszzzza told Magic Beans political correspondant Hugh Jarce-Holl "I love it here in Scotland. But business is business and George, Dick and me won't sit idly by when there is something we can blow up or destroy. Now watch this skive." Many believe the invasion of Blackburn is a cover for the US's continued hunt for oil. Town Mayor Kenny Swish told Beans "There's no fucking oil here you daft bitch. We only have 4000 holes. That's it. You can't take them away George you pillock". Mr Swish has since been sent indefinitely to Camp X Ray.
The invasion is expected to start as soon as the US has finished with Iran, North Korea and The Principality of Liechtenstein which has been developing weapons of mass tax evasion for some years. Ian Mcshane, a son of Blackburn, was unavailable for comment - he was peddling dodgy antique cabinets whilst solving a murder.
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw is showing Condi some the local sights before they move to Liverpool and meet with Scouse Special Forces who will lead the bombardment of the Lancashire town. Jack and Condi will visit a traditional local pub "The Suicide Bombers Arms" as well as indulge in some traditional Northern pursuits such as a whippet riding, coal eating and fighting in skips with cloth caps on. They will dine tonight in Liverpool where the menu will include double chips, double beans, double bubble with a side order of "great sense of humour" - which is apparently a Scouse staple.
Condoleeszzzza told Magic Beans political correspondant Hugh Jarce-Holl "I love it here in Scotland. But business is business and George, Dick and me won't sit idly by when there is something we can blow up or destroy. Now watch this skive." Many believe the invasion of Blackburn is a cover for the US's continued hunt for oil. Town Mayor Kenny Swish told Beans "There's no fucking oil here you daft bitch. We only have 4000 holes. That's it. You can't take them away George you pillock". Mr Swish has since been sent indefinitely to Camp X Ray.
The invasion is expected to start as soon as the US has finished with Iran, North Korea and The Principality of Liechtenstein which has been developing weapons of mass tax evasion for some years. Ian Mcshane, a son of Blackburn, was unavailable for comment - he was peddling dodgy antique cabinets whilst solving a murder.
Campbell Hits The Catwalk
Supermodel and mardy cow Naomi Campbell has been arrested for assaulting a woman at her home in New York. The victim is clinging to her life and a possibly huge out of court payout at a nearby Hospital/Television Studio. Campbell, who has killed several people before "cos I can", has been placed in a maximum security hotel suite in Federal Pententionary Waldorf Astoria until her trial. If convicted she will face seven years in a real prison and almost certainly a book deal or a chat show.
Clothes horse Campbell is known for her temper and once threw a hissy fit out of a hotel window. Hissy fits are an endangered species and their fur is only worn by supermodels and gay make up designers. She has had a long documented problem with drugs and many believe her love of the catwalk was drawn from a love of long white lines. Many still remember the Milan show where she snorted a gigantic line of sequins, foundation and "fabulous" frocks whilst modelling for British designer Steve McQueen.
Kenny Swish, a top eyebrow plucker who wishes to remain anonymous, told Beans News "She's a nightmare. She once stabbed me in the neck with a machete because I looked at her funny. I mean if I looked at her fanny I would understand. But she's got great skin so, you go girl!"
In other Supermodel news Kate "Coke Dyson" Moss has apparently reunited with Pete "Horse Hoover" Doherty and plan to have children as soon as science will allow. "I'd love a kid" said Doherty at his daily court appearance and publicity stunt, "I'd teach him to shoot up, Kate can show him how to inject between the toes, he go out and buy my drugs while I watch Loose Women. It'll be magic." The UN and NATO have immediately passed a motion to "never let this fucking happen".
Clothes horse Campbell is known for her temper and once threw a hissy fit out of a hotel window. Hissy fits are an endangered species and their fur is only worn by supermodels and gay make up designers. She has had a long documented problem with drugs and many believe her love of the catwalk was drawn from a love of long white lines. Many still remember the Milan show where she snorted a gigantic line of sequins, foundation and "fabulous" frocks whilst modelling for British designer Steve McQueen.
Kenny Swish, a top eyebrow plucker who wishes to remain anonymous, told Beans News "She's a nightmare. She once stabbed me in the neck with a machete because I looked at her funny. I mean if I looked at her fanny I would understand. But she's got great skin so, you go girl!"
In other Supermodel news Kate "Coke Dyson" Moss has apparently reunited with Pete "Horse Hoover" Doherty and plan to have children as soon as science will allow. "I'd love a kid" said Doherty at his daily court appearance and publicity stunt, "I'd teach him to shoot up, Kate can show him how to inject between the toes, he go out and buy my drugs while I watch Loose Women. It'll be magic." The UN and NATO have immediately passed a motion to "never let this fucking happen".
No One Notices Strike
A nationwide Public Services strike this week went entirely unnoticed as services have become so bad no one can tell the difference. Train delays, tube cancellations, long delays on Council help lines and missed rubbish collections are all the norm and on Tuesday services actually improved by a small percentage despite nearly 400,000 people choosing to stay in and watch Jeremy Kyle.
The strike is expected to be the first of many and are in protest against government pension plans which include all "poor people" to work and pay taxes until they are at least 112 years old as well as making all council workers wear electronic tags around their necks for no apparent reason. Labour Peer Lord Faultenroy of Scunthorpe told Beans "Lazy buggers. Get them working. Working bloody hard too. The problem with poor people is when they're not grafting, they're robbing or raping or racing giant whippets. I think I speak for the entire Labour movement when I say this will not happen on my watch."
This was the biggest stoppage since the General Strike of 1926 when a "shitload" of Northerners stopped work to watch the very first episode of the new Davina chatshow. Several thousand people died with many choosing to blind themselves. It also echoes the Jarrow March when a "truckload" of Geordies came down to London for a "big weekend in the Smoke". Several hundred died during this visit too but all regard those who marched as "good lads" in YSL shirts who like a drink, a little dance and a little fight.
Davina McCall was unavailable for comment due to a large axe hanging over her.
The strike is expected to be the first of many and are in protest against government pension plans which include all "poor people" to work and pay taxes until they are at least 112 years old as well as making all council workers wear electronic tags around their necks for no apparent reason. Labour Peer Lord Faultenroy of Scunthorpe told Beans "Lazy buggers. Get them working. Working bloody hard too. The problem with poor people is when they're not grafting, they're robbing or raping or racing giant whippets. I think I speak for the entire Labour movement when I say this will not happen on my watch."
This was the biggest stoppage since the General Strike of 1926 when a "shitload" of Northerners stopped work to watch the very first episode of the new Davina chatshow. Several thousand people died with many choosing to blind themselves. It also echoes the Jarrow March when a "truckload" of Geordies came down to London for a "big weekend in the Smoke". Several hundred died during this visit too but all regard those who marched as "good lads" in YSL shirts who like a drink, a little dance and a little fight.
Davina McCall was unavailable for comment due to a large axe hanging over her.
Paris Burns Again
Celebrity heiress and porn star Paris Hilton has suffered her a fresh bout of rioting amid claims that law and order around her "trust fund" had collapsed.Gangs of photographers and journalists have been laying seige to Paris since it emerged that a new series of The Simple Life had been commissioned. Youths turned over several Louis Vuitton handbags and a small smelly Shitzu was put through her "letter box".
Several hundred thongs have been burnt in "downtown" Paris.Interior Minsister Henri Le Coque told Magic Beans "The situation inside Paris has reached gigantic proportions. We will be sending in some of our best men to sort her out. These men will of course immediately surrender to her and wait for ze English to help us out. Now watch this garlic." Over a million people marched peacefully through Paris until it became clear that Nicole Richie was indeed going to appear and violence erupted. "Fabulous" tear gas and bottles of "Anorexic" by Lindsay Lohan were deployed to disperse protestors.
In other news Magic Beans News has been accused by the Press Complaints Commission of regurgitating old stories "cos they can't be bothered". Magic Beans would like to refute these claims. Next up - how about that Gulf War...
Paris' sister Croydon Hilton was unavailable for comment due to an ongoing refurb.
Several hundred thongs have been burnt in "downtown" Paris.Interior Minsister Henri Le Coque told Magic Beans "The situation inside Paris has reached gigantic proportions. We will be sending in some of our best men to sort her out. These men will of course immediately surrender to her and wait for ze English to help us out. Now watch this garlic." Over a million people marched peacefully through Paris until it became clear that Nicole Richie was indeed going to appear and violence erupted. "Fabulous" tear gas and bottles of "Anorexic" by Lindsay Lohan were deployed to disperse protestors.
In other news Magic Beans News has been accused by the Press Complaints Commission of regurgitating old stories "cos they can't be bothered". Magic Beans would like to refute these claims. Next up - how about that Gulf War...
Paris' sister Croydon Hilton was unavailable for comment due to an ongoing refurb.
Smokers Put Out in Scotland
A smoking ban came into force in Scotland this week leading to a huge increase in sales of chewing tobacco and super extra strength lager. Many Scottish smokers have been spotted crossing the border into England for a quick smoke after a meal of deep fried pigs cock. English border guards have now been introduced - all of whom will be "puffing big cigars" in order to "get on the tits of the Jocks".
The ban is seen as a test of future plans to put out fags in England next year and many fear it will lead to scenes of street violence and fresh clean air. Pro Smoking coughsperson Sir Benson Hedges told Beans "It's a fucking disgrace. I demand the right to smoke myself silly and take down anyone stupid enough to be standing next to me. It won't last in Scotland - the average savage up there smokes and chews nearly 8000 cigarettes without tips a day." Sir Benson died an hour later of emphysema and his ashes were placed in a glass tray.
Scottish smokers have attacked the house of the two non smokers who live in Scotland and protests have spread across the land - the most recent a rape and murder in Balamory. The government now plan to construct the world's biggest nicotine patch, fly it over Scotland and hope for a "nicotine rain" shower. Scottish person "Big" Jock McFuck told Magic Beans "Ya se mee. Yo fockin Inglish bastads fink yo kan come upp heer an rule v way we live. I'l kill ya. Kill ya all." The comedy stereotype complaints commission have been informed of our findings.
Roy Castle, near Inverness, is open Monday to Saturday. Smokers get in free.
The ban is seen as a test of future plans to put out fags in England next year and many fear it will lead to scenes of street violence and fresh clean air. Pro Smoking coughsperson Sir Benson Hedges told Beans "It's a fucking disgrace. I demand the right to smoke myself silly and take down anyone stupid enough to be standing next to me. It won't last in Scotland - the average savage up there smokes and chews nearly 8000 cigarettes without tips a day." Sir Benson died an hour later of emphysema and his ashes were placed in a glass tray.
Scottish smokers have attacked the house of the two non smokers who live in Scotland and protests have spread across the land - the most recent a rape and murder in Balamory. The government now plan to construct the world's biggest nicotine patch, fly it over Scotland and hope for a "nicotine rain" shower. Scottish person "Big" Jock McFuck told Magic Beans "Ya se mee. Yo fockin Inglish bastads fink yo kan come upp heer an rule v way we live. I'l kill ya. Kill ya all." The comedy stereotype complaints commission have been informed of our findings.
Roy Castle, near Inverness, is open Monday to Saturday. Smokers get in free.
Friday, March 24, 2006
This Week's Caption Competiton
Check this out. Place your captions in the comment area and the very funniest will recieve several very special magic beans...
Kember Release Ends in Bloodshed
Do gooder Norman Kember was sensationally freed from captivity yesterday after four months of badly shot videos and bad food. In a secret Special Forces operation involving several hundred troops, a tank and 40 helicopters the soldiers discovered the hostages were totally unguarded and tied up with "old rope".
Former hostage and part time Brian Blessed lookalike Sir Terry Waite was full of praise for Kember. "This is the good time now. Book deals, on the sofa with Richard and Judy and more importantly the pussy will be dripping all over him. I'm not joking. Women love a freed hostage. Ask Nelson. That dude is a magnet. "
Hollywood executives have already arrived in Northern Baghdad to offer Kember a lucrative movie deal. Tex Muldoon of ParaTroop Pictures told Beans News "This shit plays well with your average Joe Six Tooth back home. Boy flies to Iraq to kill Saddam Hussein. Boy meets girl. Girl meets other girl. Boy watches on. Saddam gets blown to bits. Boy eats rat to survive whilst pissing his pants and trussed up. Oscars all round. Now watch this drive!" George Clooney has signed onto play Norman Kember and Andy Serkis will reprise his King King CGI work to play Hussein.
Kember spoke at the press conference from the Baghdad Travelodge "First let me say the cramped conditions, terrible food and abusive treatment... here at the hotel have made the transition better than can be expected. Secondly I would like to reinforce my distaste for the invasion of Iraq and our continued occupation here in this peace loving country". Later Kember was beaten to death by the boys from 43 Para. His body was thrown in a wheelie bin. Which was burnt.
Former hostage and part time Brian Blessed lookalike Sir Terry Waite was full of praise for Kember. "This is the good time now. Book deals, on the sofa with Richard and Judy and more importantly the pussy will be dripping all over him. I'm not joking. Women love a freed hostage. Ask Nelson. That dude is a magnet. "
Hollywood executives have already arrived in Northern Baghdad to offer Kember a lucrative movie deal. Tex Muldoon of ParaTroop Pictures told Beans News "This shit plays well with your average Joe Six Tooth back home. Boy flies to Iraq to kill Saddam Hussein. Boy meets girl. Girl meets other girl. Boy watches on. Saddam gets blown to bits. Boy eats rat to survive whilst pissing his pants and trussed up. Oscars all round. Now watch this drive!" George Clooney has signed onto play Norman Kember and Andy Serkis will reprise his King King CGI work to play Hussein.
Kember spoke at the press conference from the Baghdad Travelodge "First let me say the cramped conditions, terrible food and abusive treatment... here at the hotel have made the transition better than can be expected. Secondly I would like to reinforce my distaste for the invasion of Iraq and our continued occupation here in this peace loving country". Later Kember was beaten to death by the boys from 43 Para. His body was thrown in a wheelie bin. Which was burnt.
Brown Finally Reaches Number 10 With Budget
The Chancellor Gordon Brown delivered his 1oth Budget to a packed crowd of Brown nosers and Blair baiters. This years budget was all about the three E's - Education, Environment and Everything Else. Major education funding will enable all school children to have 24 hour access to laptops and chatrooms as well as video phones for which "to slap happy or whatever it's called".
Other increases included a penny on a pint (or 50 pence if you drink in London) and a huge increase in taxes on fags as well as nicotine patches. Controversially Brown froze the price of champagne and caviar in response to pressure from the "Notting Hill Lobby". Barry Northern of the General Hard Graft and Proper Job Look At Your Hands You Soft Bastard Union or GHGPJLAYHYSBU told Magic Beans "This is a fucking disgrace. We have asked Labour to reduce taxes on pies, fighting and lung cancer but did that fat Jock listen? Did he fuck as like. I hope he chokes on his Krug Clos Du Mesnil 95."
The Notting Hill Lobby subsequently attacked Brown for increasing taxes on "Chelsea tractors" owned predominantly by blond women who "do brunch". "How will I get my poor child, Chylmidia, the 40 yards to her Montidon nursery?" said Tamara Palmer Tamarason from her 39 yard Sherman 4x4. "Brown has let down all of his true socialist followers with this tax on my right to guzzle gas and have mochas with the girls."
The Olympics were a strong theme with Brown announcing plans to fund research into a "super race" of children to compete and win at the 2012 Games. Named "Project HalfaChance" Brown was keen "that we win at least one fucking medal that isn't dressage". Ubergruppenfurher Ken Livingstone will be placed in charge of the "training camps".
Other increases included a penny on a pint (or 50 pence if you drink in London) and a huge increase in taxes on fags as well as nicotine patches. Controversially Brown froze the price of champagne and caviar in response to pressure from the "Notting Hill Lobby". Barry Northern of the General Hard Graft and Proper Job Look At Your Hands You Soft Bastard Union or GHGPJLAYHYSBU told Magic Beans "This is a fucking disgrace. We have asked Labour to reduce taxes on pies, fighting and lung cancer but did that fat Jock listen? Did he fuck as like. I hope he chokes on his Krug Clos Du Mesnil 95."
The Notting Hill Lobby subsequently attacked Brown for increasing taxes on "Chelsea tractors" owned predominantly by blond women who "do brunch". "How will I get my poor child, Chylmidia, the 40 yards to her Montidon nursery?" said Tamara Palmer Tamarason from her 39 yard Sherman 4x4. "Brown has let down all of his true socialist followers with this tax on my right to guzzle gas and have mochas with the girls."
The Olympics were a strong theme with Brown announcing plans to fund research into a "super race" of children to compete and win at the 2012 Games. Named "Project HalfaChance" Brown was keen "that we win at least one fucking medal that isn't dressage". Ubergruppenfurher Ken Livingstone will be placed in charge of the "training camps".
Labour Shylocks Revealed
The Labour Loan Scandal continues to send ripples of disgust and disinterest throughout the political world as the 12 major donators were revealed. The "dirty dozen" includes several Premier League footballers who like a flutter, Michael Carroll the "Lotto Lout" and the "dudes who stole all that money from Securitas in Kent".
A very expensive sub committee has been created to investigate the loans which total some £800 billion. The committee investigation will be led by former West Midlands Police chief and awning spokesperson John Stalker and is expected to cost £750 billion - the cost of which will be covered by new loans from the 12 "apostles". Stalker told Magic Beans from his gorgeously appointed conservatory "I'm fucking up for this big time. Me and Lord Drummer, my trusty Labrador, will not rest until we find out who did this. And if we can't we will fit up some Paddies."
The Loan Crisis started when the South London gangsters who nicked £53 million from a depot in Kent were made Labour Peers and had passed a bill in the Lords to "let them off" "scott free". Lord Billy Hardon, from Eltham, was arrested outside the House of Lords after driving a quad bike through the Lord Rik Mayall Memorial Hall. "Fuck it. Tony needed a few quid to cover up the Humphrey the Cat murder and I threw him a bundle. So shoot me." Lord Hardon was shot last night in Old Palace Yard.
The scandal has forced Labour and the other political parties to look at other sources of funding. Gordon Brown launched a new Scratchcard and a Comic Relief style telethon to fund the party whilst the Tories are to move into arms dealing and "borrowing money from mother". The Lib Dems will continue to be financed solely by gay chatlines.
A very expensive sub committee has been created to investigate the loans which total some £800 billion. The committee investigation will be led by former West Midlands Police chief and awning spokesperson John Stalker and is expected to cost £750 billion - the cost of which will be covered by new loans from the 12 "apostles". Stalker told Magic Beans from his gorgeously appointed conservatory "I'm fucking up for this big time. Me and Lord Drummer, my trusty Labrador, will not rest until we find out who did this. And if we can't we will fit up some Paddies."
The Loan Crisis started when the South London gangsters who nicked £53 million from a depot in Kent were made Labour Peers and had passed a bill in the Lords to "let them off" "scott free". Lord Billy Hardon, from Eltham, was arrested outside the House of Lords after driving a quad bike through the Lord Rik Mayall Memorial Hall. "Fuck it. Tony needed a few quid to cover up the Humphrey the Cat murder and I threw him a bundle. So shoot me." Lord Hardon was shot last night in Old Palace Yard.
The scandal has forced Labour and the other political parties to look at other sources of funding. Gordon Brown launched a new Scratchcard and a Comic Relief style telethon to fund the party whilst the Tories are to move into arms dealing and "borrowing money from mother". The Lib Dems will continue to be financed solely by gay chatlines.
Wembley Stadium Collapses
The much maligned Wembley Stadium collapsed this week killing the entire 1966 England and German World Cup Teams and 1000 Australian builders. The construction team behind the project - MultiFux - have decided to leave the disaster zone and "forget all about it". The site will now become a place for gypo kids to play and accidents to happen.
The stadium fell apart whilst the "66" players were having a kick about with some drunken Aussie welders on the roof of the £800 billion complex. The Charlton brothers had previously made a comment about Franz Beckenbauer and his one testicle and a fight erupted. The rocking loosened some nuts and the roof crumbled. The cries of the players and the incoherent moans of the welders were heard underneath the rubble but were ignored "for insurance reasons".
The stadium has been beset by problems. Workers have been discovered as high as a drugged up kite, a large Romanian crap blocked the whole sewage system for over a month and the iconic arch was found to have been made of match sticks. The exorbitant cost was caused by huge "tea runs" costing millions and general laziness costing billions.
"They think it's all over. Well it fucking is now" said Sir Kenneth Dodgepot, Chairman of MultiFux. "Wembley has been a shithouse from day one. So this comes at the right time. I wash my hands of this poxy dump and the many lives lost today. You wouldn't get 20 quid for that scrap now." MultiFux are now moving to East London to "fuck up" the Olympic Village "in time" for the 2012 Games.
The stadium fell apart whilst the "66" players were having a kick about with some drunken Aussie welders on the roof of the £800 billion complex. The Charlton brothers had previously made a comment about Franz Beckenbauer and his one testicle and a fight erupted. The rocking loosened some nuts and the roof crumbled. The cries of the players and the incoherent moans of the welders were heard underneath the rubble but were ignored "for insurance reasons".
The stadium has been beset by problems. Workers have been discovered as high as a drugged up kite, a large Romanian crap blocked the whole sewage system for over a month and the iconic arch was found to have been made of match sticks. The exorbitant cost was caused by huge "tea runs" costing millions and general laziness costing billions.
"They think it's all over. Well it fucking is now" said Sir Kenneth Dodgepot, Chairman of MultiFux. "Wembley has been a shithouse from day one. So this comes at the right time. I wash my hands of this poxy dump and the many lives lost today. You wouldn't get 20 quid for that scrap now." MultiFux are now moving to East London to "fuck up" the Olympic Village "in time" for the 2012 Games.
Number 10 Cat Murdered
Humphrey, the so called Number 10 pussy, has been found murdered in his apartment in Mayfair. He was 35 years old and had been seeing a Brazilain diplomat called Juan for several years. Details are sketchy but it is believed Humphrey had been involved in a "despicable sex act" moments before his death.
Sir Humphrey had been permanent under secretary in Downing Street since the late 80's when he wandered in from the street and entered the Thatcher residence. At the time Lord Margaret Thatcher was planning to make a coat out of dalmations and cats but "soak" Dennis Thatcher saved the moggy and he soon became an advisor to John Major. He is widely believed to have advised Major very badly, with the "Tuna Treats Bill" a turning point, and it came as no surprise when he was appointed Tony Blair's chief spindoctor in 1997.
He was instrumental in planning the invasion of Iraq and had personally flown to Baghdad to sniff out Weapons of Mass Destruction. He failed (he claimed he was "on heat") and on his return he was shunned by Number 10. Not long after he came out of the closet and started a relationship with Lord Kevin Spacey and later Juan. Juan told Magic Beans "This is a terrible day for me. Humph was a great politician, a terrific man and an animal in the sack. I shall not rest until he is avenged or his diaries are serialised in The Times".
Police are treating the murder as suspicious and have questioned Cherie Blair, Sir Ian Blair and Gordon Brown over their whereabouts at the weekend. Garfield was unavailable for comment. He was too busy eating lasagne.
Sir Humphrey had been permanent under secretary in Downing Street since the late 80's when he wandered in from the street and entered the Thatcher residence. At the time Lord Margaret Thatcher was planning to make a coat out of dalmations and cats but "soak" Dennis Thatcher saved the moggy and he soon became an advisor to John Major. He is widely believed to have advised Major very badly, with the "Tuna Treats Bill" a turning point, and it came as no surprise when he was appointed Tony Blair's chief spindoctor in 1997.
He was instrumental in planning the invasion of Iraq and had personally flown to Baghdad to sniff out Weapons of Mass Destruction. He failed (he claimed he was "on heat") and on his return he was shunned by Number 10. Not long after he came out of the closet and started a relationship with Lord Kevin Spacey and later Juan. Juan told Magic Beans "This is a terrible day for me. Humph was a great politician, a terrific man and an animal in the sack. I shall not rest until he is avenged or his diaries are serialised in The Times".
Police are treating the murder as suspicious and have questioned Cherie Blair, Sir Ian Blair and Gordon Brown over their whereabouts at the weekend. Garfield was unavailable for comment. He was too busy eating lasagne.
Wearside Jack Plans Pop Career
The Yorkshire Ripper impersonater John Humble, known on the Northern club scene as Wearside Jack, has been convicted of releasing some dodgy mixtapes back in the late 70's. Despite that he plans to pursue his pop career and hopes to perform a duet with fellow Geordie crooner Sir Jimmy Nail.
At the time of the Ripper Murders John was hired as a Sutcliffe impersonater for weddings, birthdays and school fetes. "I made a good few quid with it" said Humble, via tape to Magic Beans, "But I never got the recognition. I wanted to be known in my own right as a cold blooded killer but it was always Peter this, Sutcliffe that". Humble's identity had been a secret for several decades but decided to reveal himself after losing loads of money in a Nigerian email scam.
The man responsible for the Crazy Frog ringtone, currently on Death Row, is keen to get hold of Wearside Jack for a series of ringtones and a possible single. Annoyin Coc said "Every kid in this fucking country will want a Wearside Jack tone when I'm finished with them. I think he has the power to shit on that frog." Coc is scheduled for lethal injection as soon as possible.
Channel 4 confirmed to Magic Beans News that they had offered John Humble the job of narrating Big Brother after the other Geordie got "pissed off with it all" and shot himself.
At the time of the Ripper Murders John was hired as a Sutcliffe impersonater for weddings, birthdays and school fetes. "I made a good few quid with it" said Humble, via tape to Magic Beans, "But I never got the recognition. I wanted to be known in my own right as a cold blooded killer but it was always Peter this, Sutcliffe that". Humble's identity had been a secret for several decades but decided to reveal himself after losing loads of money in a Nigerian email scam.
The man responsible for the Crazy Frog ringtone, currently on Death Row, is keen to get hold of Wearside Jack for a series of ringtones and a possible single. Annoyin Coc said "Every kid in this fucking country will want a Wearside Jack tone when I'm finished with them. I think he has the power to shit on that frog." Coc is scheduled for lethal injection as soon as possible.
Channel 4 confirmed to Magic Beans News that they had offered John Humble the job of narrating Big Brother after the other Geordie got "pissed off with it all" and shot himself.
Friday, March 17, 2006
This Week's Caption Competition
Fill my box with puns. Place your captions in the comments area and the funniest will win some very special magic beans...
Clinical Trials "Huge Success"
Clinical trials will now only be carried out on immigrants, gypos and disgraced glam rock singers after a recent trial went horribly wrong. Several young men are still in a critical condition after testing a new drug whose side effects included swollen body parts and powerful orgasms. Many are heralding the drug - known only as Goliath - as the new Viagra and many clubbers are already "knocking them back".
One testee told Beans "I loved it. My knob increased by three times it's size. The nurse told me it was just a little prick. I had the largest head I've ever had. I love Goliath - it makes me feel like a big man." The testee subsequently exploded "with pleasure" not "pressure" as some reports claimed. The drug company - Hypoglobalmegatronic Industries - hope that despite the odd mishap the drug can continuing testing on beagles and hobos. A spokesman told Magic Beans "No one cares when a beagle has a puff on a Benson or a monkey has mascara applied - it's funny. Monkey's are funny."
The government immediately put a stop to Australian travellers partaking in trials. "They should be behind bars or talking loudly on night buses" said Lord Mengele of the government research lab. Instead newly arrived immigrants will be shipped to the drug companies and pumped full of Bird Flu antidotes and cheap "booze" before being made to wander around shopping centres in Hi Tech trainers.
"Coke Dyson" Kate Moss and singer Tommy Doherty were the first to try the new "designer" drug Goliath. "It's fucking great" said Moss. "The giganticism has brought me up to a size 4." Doherty was unavailble for comment due to death by "publicity" overdose.
One testee told Beans "I loved it. My knob increased by three times it's size. The nurse told me it was just a little prick. I had the largest head I've ever had. I love Goliath - it makes me feel like a big man." The testee subsequently exploded "with pleasure" not "pressure" as some reports claimed. The drug company - Hypoglobalmegatronic Industries - hope that despite the odd mishap the drug can continuing testing on beagles and hobos. A spokesman told Magic Beans "No one cares when a beagle has a puff on a Benson or a monkey has mascara applied - it's funny. Monkey's are funny."
The government immediately put a stop to Australian travellers partaking in trials. "They should be behind bars or talking loudly on night buses" said Lord Mengele of the government research lab. Instead newly arrived immigrants will be shipped to the drug companies and pumped full of Bird Flu antidotes and cheap "booze" before being made to wander around shopping centres in Hi Tech trainers.
"Coke Dyson" Kate Moss and singer Tommy Doherty were the first to try the new "designer" drug Goliath. "It's fucking great" said Moss. "The giganticism has brought me up to a size 4." Doherty was unavailble for comment due to death by "publicity" overdose.
Labour Loans Crisis
Lord Toni Blair and the Labour Party have confirmed that future loans to the Party will be "transparant" after several people bought Labour peerages with loose change collected in a pint glass in a Whitehall boozer. Lord Bin Laden spoke out last night against the plans.
A government insider told Beans that Labour had become so desperate for cash that they had begun borrowing money from Conservative MP's and subsequently making them Labour Peers. "Fuck it. Why can't we have a bit of sleaze? Why should it be the arse bandits in the Lib Dems and the orange biters in the Tories who have all the fun?" said Lady Tessa Jowell speaking at the inaugration of King Jack Straw II. Lady Jowell recently dumped her husband Baron Hardon after "the heat got too much."
Lord Berlusconi offered his support to Viscount Blair and proffered several thousand quid in an envelope as a sweetener. Lord Archer voiced his concern at this flagrant abuse of power and brown envelope stuffing "It's like the storyline of my new novel - Lordin' It - which is out on Monday. Now watch this lie." Those repaying hefty student loans will be giving peerages instead of proper jobs when they graduate from their Media Studies courses.
From now on all "lenders" will have to register their interest with Lord and Lady Ineda Quike-Bung who will make sure only those people who deserve it will recieve peerages. Lord Slobodan Milosevic will be buried on Monday at a full State funeral.
A government insider told Beans that Labour had become so desperate for cash that they had begun borrowing money from Conservative MP's and subsequently making them Labour Peers. "Fuck it. Why can't we have a bit of sleaze? Why should it be the arse bandits in the Lib Dems and the orange biters in the Tories who have all the fun?" said Lady Tessa Jowell speaking at the inaugration of King Jack Straw II. Lady Jowell recently dumped her husband Baron Hardon after "the heat got too much."
Lord Berlusconi offered his support to Viscount Blair and proffered several thousand quid in an envelope as a sweetener. Lord Archer voiced his concern at this flagrant abuse of power and brown envelope stuffing "It's like the storyline of my new novel - Lordin' It - which is out on Monday. Now watch this lie." Those repaying hefty student loans will be giving peerages instead of proper jobs when they graduate from their Media Studies courses.
From now on all "lenders" will have to register their interest with Lord and Lady Ineda Quike-Bung who will make sure only those people who deserve it will recieve peerages. Lord Slobodan Milosevic will be buried on Monday at a full State funeral.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Hamza Refuses To Pick Up Knife and Hook
Chef and hardman Gordon Ramsey has been sent into maximum security prison Belmarsh after Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza complained about the shocking standard of food and drink in the Two Michelin Tyre "Bel de Marsh Restaurant".
Ramsey told Beans "Fuck it. I'm going in there and fucking that kitchen up. That fucker with the dodgy eye wants quality nosh and he fucking deserves it. I can do him a lovely pork kebab on his bloody hook. With some fucking tarragon." Hamza has also complained about the broadband speed in the cells and the indignity of only one Korby trouser press per floor. "2.2 Mbps! You wouldn't let a dog live in these conditions" said Hamza via webcam.
Fat tongued cook Jamie Oliver has been campaigning for months to improve the quality of dinners in the maximum security prisons around the world including the much discussed Camp X Ray Resort in Cuba. "I thwink it's a disgrace that these guys are being fed Turkey Twizzlers and processed peas. How can they concentrate on signing confessions when their energy levels are so low?"
Hamza, who is serving seven years for inciting murder and racial hatred, is expected to out in two years when he can return to preaching hate and working on his burgeoning modelling career. Burberry have confirmed that they would like him back despite the drug revelations.
Ramsey told Beans "Fuck it. I'm going in there and fucking that kitchen up. That fucker with the dodgy eye wants quality nosh and he fucking deserves it. I can do him a lovely pork kebab on his bloody hook. With some fucking tarragon." Hamza has also complained about the broadband speed in the cells and the indignity of only one Korby trouser press per floor. "2.2 Mbps! You wouldn't let a dog live in these conditions" said Hamza via webcam.
Fat tongued cook Jamie Oliver has been campaigning for months to improve the quality of dinners in the maximum security prisons around the world including the much discussed Camp X Ray Resort in Cuba. "I thwink it's a disgrace that these guys are being fed Turkey Twizzlers and processed peas. How can they concentrate on signing confessions when their energy levels are so low?"
Hamza, who is serving seven years for inciting murder and racial hatred, is expected to out in two years when he can return to preaching hate and working on his burgeoning modelling career. Burberry have confirmed that they would like him back despite the drug revelations.
Bush Bombs His Way to the Top
President George W Bush has ordered the carpet bombing of the outskirts of Baghdad in a desperate attempt to capture Vice President Dick "Bin" Cheney and make the "American public like him more". Bush has increased the level of firepower and destruction in direct relation to his staggeringly low approval rating in the US.
Operation "Samarra, Samarra. They'll love me Tomarra" started on Thursday when 50 aircraft and several thousand troops pounded the "shi 'ite" out of the town. Cheney has been on the run since he shot a lawyer and his family dead in the woods and became an insurgent in the hills of Samarra.
"The outlook is very Sunni. We will flush Mr Cheney out from where he hides and we will elevate the President's rating if we have to kill every goddamn Iraqi in this land" said General Major Carnnage of the Chuck Norris Delta Force. This follows research from the Laboratoire Garnier revealing the bigger the explosion on the news, the less likely the American public (or Average Joe Six Tooth as he is known to marketing types) are to ask questions.
This week President Toni Blair announced that 800 troops would be leaving Iraq. Defence Minister Peter Reid told Beans "These withdrawals reflect the increased capability of the Iraqi Army to govern and control on their own." This week 7000 people died in car bombings, riots and general "fucking" chaos. The Iraqis will be given real guns in the coming months.
Saddam Hussein is survived by two sons and forty four wives.
Operation "Samarra, Samarra. They'll love me Tomarra" started on Thursday when 50 aircraft and several thousand troops pounded the "shi 'ite" out of the town. Cheney has been on the run since he shot a lawyer and his family dead in the woods and became an insurgent in the hills of Samarra.
"The outlook is very Sunni. We will flush Mr Cheney out from where he hides and we will elevate the President's rating if we have to kill every goddamn Iraqi in this land" said General Major Carnnage of the Chuck Norris Delta Force. This follows research from the Laboratoire Garnier revealing the bigger the explosion on the news, the less likely the American public (or Average Joe Six Tooth as he is known to marketing types) are to ask questions.
This week President Toni Blair announced that 800 troops would be leaving Iraq. Defence Minister Peter Reid told Beans "These withdrawals reflect the increased capability of the Iraqi Army to govern and control on their own." This week 7000 people died in car bombings, riots and general "fucking" chaos. The Iraqis will be given real guns in the coming months.
Saddam Hussein is survived by two sons and forty four wives.
The Pope Hits The Road
The Pontiff, or the artist formerly known as Pope, has announced plans for a major UK tour this September which the Vatican hope will coincide with the Spice Girls Reunion Tour and the bad press created by The Da Vinci Code. He is expected to be supported on the 40 date tour by hard hitting rapper Bishop Cormac Murphy-O'Connor (The Mad Mick).
Benny X wants to perform at the newly "completed" Wembley Stadium and has been asking the Catholic Church to pray "bloody hard" for the Stadium to finish in time. The stadium is believed to be the only venue large enough to accommodate the huge floor show, dancers and pyrotechnics display usually associated with a Sunday Mass. Plans to spray the Communion wine onto revellers have yet to be confirmed. Benny X told Beans "I really want to tour this album - One True Faith - and see how it plays in an area like Wembley"
Magic Beans was given a copy of the Pope's Rider for the tour by a Vatican insider. Unsurprisingly he likes to bathe in Holy Water and eat only diamond encrusted M & M's but Beans can also reveal Benny X and The Saint Posse like to have all water turned into wine and "enough weed to knock out a horse". The previous Vatican Tour of the UK (The Kiss My Faith Tour) back in the early 80's was marred by the murder of a Monsignor by a Hells Angels gang.
A rival tour by super group Mohammed is unexpected to take place this year after the cartoon led band created by Damon Albarn was burnt to the ground.
Benny X wants to perform at the newly "completed" Wembley Stadium and has been asking the Catholic Church to pray "bloody hard" for the Stadium to finish in time. The stadium is believed to be the only venue large enough to accommodate the huge floor show, dancers and pyrotechnics display usually associated with a Sunday Mass. Plans to spray the Communion wine onto revellers have yet to be confirmed. Benny X told Beans "I really want to tour this album - One True Faith - and see how it plays in an area like Wembley"
Magic Beans was given a copy of the Pope's Rider for the tour by a Vatican insider. Unsurprisingly he likes to bathe in Holy Water and eat only diamond encrusted M & M's but Beans can also reveal Benny X and The Saint Posse like to have all water turned into wine and "enough weed to knock out a horse". The previous Vatican Tour of the UK (The Kiss My Faith Tour) back in the early 80's was marred by the murder of a Monsignor by a Hells Angels gang.
A rival tour by super group Mohammed is unexpected to take place this year after the cartoon led band created by Damon Albarn was burnt to the ground.
ID Card Fraud a Step Closer
The House of Lords have voted for the introduction of ID cards and the vote will now return to the Commons with pundits expecting the Commons to vote for it too and then send it back to The Lords. Pundits also expect this gravy train to continue for some time.
The new cards, which will contain every single detail about your hygiene problems, your favourite Girls Aloud member and your DNA, will be totally voluntary. However, those who do not sign up will not be able to leave the country and will probably be "fitted up" with a bombing or something and will certainly not be able to take a mini break to Bruges. The government have urged all those who wish to continue to sample a "continental" breakfast and a beer in a wine glass should abandon their civil liberties and "get a fucking card".
The news comes in the light of increased fears over card fraud. Minister for Draconian Measures Colonel Kurtz told Beans News "It is a problem. People may have to have chips and pins installed in their eye holes to make sure your card can't be cloned. We have approached Lord Harry Ramsden." ID cloning could herald the beginning of a country full of ashen faced drones who question nothing and pay their taxes. The government plan to rush the cards in before the next election and hope to spend £800 billion deciding the colour of the card.
Number 10 have increased the threat level to Puce - the highest security level since Davina's chat show began.
The new cards, which will contain every single detail about your hygiene problems, your favourite Girls Aloud member and your DNA, will be totally voluntary. However, those who do not sign up will not be able to leave the country and will probably be "fitted up" with a bombing or something and will certainly not be able to take a mini break to Bruges. The government have urged all those who wish to continue to sample a "continental" breakfast and a beer in a wine glass should abandon their civil liberties and "get a fucking card".
The news comes in the light of increased fears over card fraud. Minister for Draconian Measures Colonel Kurtz told Beans News "It is a problem. People may have to have chips and pins installed in their eye holes to make sure your card can't be cloned. We have approached Lord Harry Ramsden." ID cloning could herald the beginning of a country full of ashen faced drones who question nothing and pay their taxes. The government plan to rush the cards in before the next election and hope to spend £800 billion deciding the colour of the card.
Number 10 have increased the threat level to Puce - the highest security level since Davina's chat show began.
Friday, March 10, 2006
This Week's Caption Competition
"There's nothing wrong with Chernobyl Beach" says Russian Minister as rats wash up on sand
Brazilian State Visit Ends in Slaughter
The Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva has been shot dead by police whilst he made a State Visit to the UK. Da Silva had been tracked for several days as he visited the Queen at Buckingham Palace and sambaed with President Toni Blair. Suspicions were aroused when he approached 10 Downing Street in a hooded top and police opened fire.
Inspector Itchy Trigger of the Met's "Shoot First and Ask Questions Never" Department told Magic Beans "Fuck it. I saw the dazzling ball skills, vibrant colours and olive skin and I gave orders to let rip." Da Silva's bodyguards, who were all dressed in giant head costumes, sparkling bras and tiny thongs, were too late to save the President.
The State Visit had been a huge success up to this "tragic accident". The Brazilian contingent had been partying all day and all night and trade talks were quoted as "hot, with a strong chance of passion". Brazilian Cultural Attache Jean Charles de Menezes told Beans News "Music and passion are always in fashion, at the Copa. Copacabana." President Da Silva's body will be flown back to Rio where a week long party is planned.
Toni Blair was said to be shocked and stunned. "I'm shocked and stunned. But I will never apologise for this error. Never. God told me not to. He's the only person I answer to." He added that Cherie would have a Brazilian "done" in remembrance of the late President.
Inspector Itchy Trigger of the Met's "Shoot First and Ask Questions Never" Department told Magic Beans "Fuck it. I saw the dazzling ball skills, vibrant colours and olive skin and I gave orders to let rip." Da Silva's bodyguards, who were all dressed in giant head costumes, sparkling bras and tiny thongs, were too late to save the President.
The State Visit had been a huge success up to this "tragic accident". The Brazilian contingent had been partying all day and all night and trade talks were quoted as "hot, with a strong chance of passion". Brazilian Cultural Attache Jean Charles de Menezes told Beans News "Music and passion are always in fashion, at the Copa. Copacabana." President Da Silva's body will be flown back to Rio where a week long party is planned.
Toni Blair was said to be shocked and stunned. "I'm shocked and stunned. But I will never apologise for this error. Never. God told me not to. He's the only person I answer to." He added that Cherie would have a Brazilian "done" in remembrance of the late President.
Baa Baa Ethnic Minority Sheep
Children's Nursery Rhymes have come under attack from the PC Police amid claims of racism and bigotry. Baa Baa Black Sheep will now have to be called "Rainbow Sheep" or Baa Baa Of African Descent Sheep. All black sheep will now be rebranded or slaughtered at the Clarice Starling Processing Unit in Cleethorpes.
Professor Richard Littlejohn, who under new rules will be renamed Dick Tinycock, spoke to Magic Beans from the ivory tower of the Daily Mail "It's a fucking disgrace. These black sheep are always mugging ladies and smashing up shops. I like to call a spade a spade, not a "ground excavation utensil."
Humpty Dumpty will now receive counselling after his "horrific" fall and is expected to file a very expensive compensation claim against the makers of the wall and the emergency services that failed to "put him back together again". He told Magic Beans "I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. One day at a time. I'm looking forward to Easter."
Riots have been reported all over Toytown as nursery rhyme characters protest over the changes. Wee Willy Winkie, now known as Quite Adequate Downstairs Winkie, spoke at a rally in the town square "I think I speak for everyone including Old King Cole and Little Miss Muffet when I say you couldn't make this up. We're going to hell in a handcart." Cole has been renamed Annually Challenged Cole and Little Miss Muffet is now known as Vertically Challenged Ms Muffet.
Professor Richard Littlejohn, who under new rules will be renamed Dick Tinycock, spoke to Magic Beans from the ivory tower of the Daily Mail "It's a fucking disgrace. These black sheep are always mugging ladies and smashing up shops. I like to call a spade a spade, not a "ground excavation utensil."
Humpty Dumpty will now receive counselling after his "horrific" fall and is expected to file a very expensive compensation claim against the makers of the wall and the emergency services that failed to "put him back together again". He told Magic Beans "I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. One day at a time. I'm looking forward to Easter."
Riots have been reported all over Toytown as nursery rhyme characters protest over the changes. Wee Willy Winkie, now known as Quite Adequate Downstairs Winkie, spoke at a rally in the town square "I think I speak for everyone including Old King Cole and Little Miss Muffet when I say you couldn't make this up. We're going to hell in a handcart." Cole has been renamed Annually Challenged Cole and Little Miss Muffet is now known as Vertically Challenged Ms Muffet.
The Beef Is Back
British Beef is been allowed back into Europe after 10 years of persecution and ribbing. Years of tests has revealed that therapy and constant psychological profiling has cured the Mad Cows of the UK. Some have managed to secure new jobs and many can expect trips to the "stun gun room" in the coming weeks.
Professor Selwyn Gummer of The Beef Pattie Institute told Magic Beans "The French threw British Beef into the sea in those dark days and now they will have to swallow their pride and our rump steaks." Professor Gummer was later seen forcing Thai Duck L'Orange on his daughter. "Let's lay off the beef for a bit and let these disease ridden cocks take the strain."
Within six weeks cows will be allowed back into Europe - some have already been issued with InterRail tickets. Spokescow for the British Cow Union Daisy the Cow told Beans "This is a great day for myself and all the herds I represent. We cannot wait to be squeezed onto cramped lorries and shipped over to those garlic guzzling, Gauloise puffing surrender monkeys. Moo."
German Police are preparing for the return of British Beef at this year's World Cup Tournament. "We will not stand for your beef. The stakes are very high for us. The burgers of our beautiful cities are worried. We are elevating our security level to Medium Rare" said Obergruppenfurher Max Carnage. Huge grills and vast quantities of peppercorn sauce have been shipped into Germany ahead of the invasion.
Professor Selwyn Gummer of The Beef Pattie Institute told Magic Beans "The French threw British Beef into the sea in those dark days and now they will have to swallow their pride and our rump steaks." Professor Gummer was later seen forcing Thai Duck L'Orange on his daughter. "Let's lay off the beef for a bit and let these disease ridden cocks take the strain."
Within six weeks cows will be allowed back into Europe - some have already been issued with InterRail tickets. Spokescow for the British Cow Union Daisy the Cow told Beans "This is a great day for myself and all the herds I represent. We cannot wait to be squeezed onto cramped lorries and shipped over to those garlic guzzling, Gauloise puffing surrender monkeys. Moo."
German Police are preparing for the return of British Beef at this year's World Cup Tournament. "We will not stand for your beef. The stakes are very high for us. The burgers of our beautiful cities are worried. We are elevating our security level to Medium Rare" said Obergruppenfurher Max Carnage. Huge grills and vast quantities of peppercorn sauce have been shipped into Germany ahead of the invasion.
Help Me! Call 5466688376...2
The Police have launched new non emergency numbers in a bid to free up the traditional 999 number for text votes and GMTV phone competitions. Crimes will be given specific numbers and call centres in Bombay will provide medical and emeregency advice 22 hours a day.
"If you have spotted someone dropping rubbish we would like you to call 333312, leave your name and bank account details and we'll get back to you within 28 days" said Chief Inspector Horse of the Police Federation. "Equally if you have spotted an Asian type with or without a beard we would prefer you ring 999 and cause crippling panic. It's really the only way forward."
The call centres are prepared for a huge increase in calls. Almost every single person in India now works in a call centre which has led to companies recruiting staff from the UK to answer phones and put you on hold. One very busy company has hired Ganesh to man several phones at once.
This comes in the same week that London Mayor Ken "Fucking London Up" Livingstone plans to have more bobbies on the beat by next year. "The time for police on the street is gone. We want more bobbies." Bobby Davro, Bobby George, Bobby from the Va Va Voom adverts and Sir Bobby Womack are all expected to be enlisted. The scheme is expected to cost £800 billion - the cost of two Olympics and 4 bendy "fucking" buses.
"If you have spotted someone dropping rubbish we would like you to call 333312, leave your name and bank account details and we'll get back to you within 28 days" said Chief Inspector Horse of the Police Federation. "Equally if you have spotted an Asian type with or without a beard we would prefer you ring 999 and cause crippling panic. It's really the only way forward."
The call centres are prepared for a huge increase in calls. Almost every single person in India now works in a call centre which has led to companies recruiting staff from the UK to answer phones and put you on hold. One very busy company has hired Ganesh to man several phones at once.
This comes in the same week that London Mayor Ken "Fucking London Up" Livingstone plans to have more bobbies on the beat by next year. "The time for police on the street is gone. We want more bobbies." Bobby Davro, Bobby George, Bobby from the Va Va Voom adverts and Sir Bobby Womack are all expected to be enlisted. The scheme is expected to cost £800 billion - the cost of two Olympics and 4 bendy "fucking" buses.
What Do Points Make? Immigrants
The Home Office report has revealed a new points system for incoming immigrants which Endemol have expressed an interest in turning the system into a new reality game show. Davina McCall has been approached but not offered the job.
The points system, rehashed from some old National Socialist plans, grades immigrants and awards points and prizes for various criteria. Immigrants with degrees or special skills will be allowed access and accomodation whilst "dunderheads" who can't speak a word of English and look a bit "lairy" will be locked up or given cleaning jobs in hotels and hospitals. Fit birds and blond guys will get extra points, swarthy types will be given Hi-Tech trainers and Campri jackets and forced to wander around shopping centres.
Lord Bruce Forsyth told assembled "contestants" at Lunar House in Croydon "You're so much better than last week's immigrants. Nice to see nice people with skills, to see you nice." The assembled crowd were heard to reply "Nice." Forsyth told Beans afterwards "This is a great show. Drama, dancing, desperate people in need of help and Tess Daly. I just which I wasn't nearly dead".
Lord Forsyth is survived by his wife Sher Khan and 40 Dolly Dealers. "Immigrants! Are you Clean Enough?" starts on ITV9 in April.
The points system, rehashed from some old National Socialist plans, grades immigrants and awards points and prizes for various criteria. Immigrants with degrees or special skills will be allowed access and accomodation whilst "dunderheads" who can't speak a word of English and look a bit "lairy" will be locked up or given cleaning jobs in hotels and hospitals. Fit birds and blond guys will get extra points, swarthy types will be given Hi-Tech trainers and Campri jackets and forced to wander around shopping centres.
Lord Bruce Forsyth told assembled "contestants" at Lunar House in Croydon "You're so much better than last week's immigrants. Nice to see nice people with skills, to see you nice." The assembled crowd were heard to reply "Nice." Forsyth told Beans afterwards "This is a great show. Drama, dancing, desperate people in need of help and Tess Daly. I just which I wasn't nearly dead".
Lord Forsyth is survived by his wife Sher Khan and 40 Dolly Dealers. "Immigrants! Are you Clean Enough?" starts on ITV9 in April.
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